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Pushing 30.
Dating.
Running.
Practicing law.
Saving for culinary school.

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Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Trying To Catch Me Riding Dirty

I am in Chicago this week on business.

I have never been to Chicago before, and everything I know about Chicago I've learned from the video game Driver, the Blues Brothers movie, and the French Connection movie. So when I see the streets of Chicago I desperately want to drive through a fruit stand, jump over a drawbridge, and race a train.

But my rented Kia isn't exactly cooperating.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Never Alone

When I drove across the Northeast with my brother last weekend, it was the longest I had ever been in the car with anybody. When you spend that much time together, you have to tolerate a lot.

I tolerated:

The smell of his pretzel and cheese Combos, purchased at nearly every rest stop.
His hour-long explanation of the various different levels of morality and justice embodied by the various characters in the Dukes of Hazzard television show.

He tolerated:

My slowing down in Toledo to point out to my Jeep the birthplace of Jeep.
Tom Wait's "Rain Dogs."
My inability to avoid the rumble strip for more than two hours at a time.
Willie Nelson's "The Troublemaker." Twice.
My giving someone the finger every time I had to shift out of sixth gear.
My slamming into a traffic cone on the passenger side of the Jeep at 70 m.p.h.
My reading aloud of every single town name along the way.

Overall, I think I got the better deal.

Monday, May 29, 2006

He's The Overweight Lover
AND I cooked it at the Girl's place.

On Saturday night I baked a banana walnut bread. I've never been shy about proclaiming that my banana bread is the best on earth.

Yesterday morning, I woke up and made breakfast for the Girl: French toast using my fantastic banana bread. A little syrup, a few raspberries, and you're in heaven.

She loved it. But she had one slice and I had three.

Later in the day we went to the park to get a little sun. I didn't realize until I got home and had striped sunburn across my belly that maybe I shouldn't have had three slices.

Sunday, May 28, 2006

I Got Rules, I Can't Hit You Twice

It's time for more relationship advice from Fresh Pepper:

The answer to:

"Why can't you be nice to me?"

is NOT:

"Because I already had sex with you today."

Saturday, May 27, 2006

Go To Sleep Little Baby

Today I fell asleep after I put my Linzertorte in the oven. Thankfully, my dad
woke me up in time to get it out just a little overcooked and not totally devastated.

My spice-rubbed chicken with pineapple, radish, yellow pepper, and cilantro salsa came out perfectly at dinner.

And here's the great thing about bringing the Linzertorte to my grandmother tomorrow: she'll love it. You think she's going to compare it to other Linzertortes she's had recently? She hasn't been out of the house in months. I love shut-ins.

After The Party, It's the Afterparty

You know you're in the suburbs when you have this conversation:

"It's 9:30. Where can we go to get some coffee and dessert?"
"Let's go to Barnes & Noble, I hate Starbucks."

Friday, May 26, 2006

Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?

Fresh: My friend said that you must really like me to start dating me after finding out how little we had in common on the first date.

The Girl: Maybe your friend doesn't know that I was depressed and on the rebound when we met.

[sounds of Fresh's heart rupturing]

You and my daughter? Your Brain Must be Jingling

I picked up my friend Lips last night at her house. She also lives with her parents.
She's my only friend left on Staten Island. Her family is old-school Italian: they
argue in Italian.

Her father came out of the house as she was getting in my Jeep. He was ostensibly
taking out the garbage in his pizzeria t-shirt and shorts. He glared at me with his best Tony Soprano face.

Without saying anything, he dropped the bag at the curb and turned around to walk back into his house.

The back of his T-shirt said in big letters, "NO SLICES."

Thursday, May 25, 2006

And This Bird You Cannot Change

It's time for more relationship advice from Fresh Pepper!

The answer to:

"Do we have any plans for the Fourth of July?"

is apparently NOT:

"You think we'll still be dating on the Fourth of July?"

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Shock the House for the Young Ladies

I saw a posting last week on Craig's List for an apartment near where I work. The person seeking a roommate was a lady in her twenties. I wrote her the following e-mail:

I am interested in the apartment. I will make a good roommate.

I like to clean. That faint blue color that Ajax turns when it touches water actually turns me on.

I am neat. I like horizontal surfaces untarnished by clutter. I am so neat most people I work with think I'm gay.

I bake frequently. You will be forced to try French desserts and you will be asked questions such as, "Do you think this needs more framboise?"

She didn't write back yet.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Nigga, Ask About Me

The new guy at work is really nice.

He keeps asking me for advice. At first, I enthusiastically provided answers to his questions. But he kept coming back.

So this morning I said to him, "Look, I know you're new here so I'm going to clue you in: I'm not exactly succeeding at this place. The bosses here hate me and kind of want me to quit. You shouldn't really be asking me for advice on how to do your work. But if you want advice on how to find other peoples' really disturbing porn collection on the shared network drive, I can show you."

Monday, May 22, 2006

Seems Like It's Been Forever Since You've Been Gone

I just got back from my "five ballparks in five days" trip. We hit the Bronx, Pittsburgh, Detroit, Cleveland, and Philadelphia.

Here are some of my favorite quotes from the trip:

Pittsburgh, PA: Woman sitting next to us in ballpark after I told her that it was beautiful:

"Yeah, but it would be nice if we could get a real baseball team in here."

Detroit, MI: Hot drunk girl in a cowboy hat at a hoedown, who noticed my Yankee shirt:

"Hey, BITCH, don't just walk by me when I call you, I'm trying to tell you I'm a Yankee fan too!"

Detroit, MI: A U.S. Customs Officer, with three fingers poked into my chest:

"Just don't move and tell me what you're doing here."

Sandusky, OH: Fourteen year-old girl in front of me in line for the Millennium Force, a huge roller coaster in Cedar Point, after I yelled at the people on the adjacent ride to tell them that they were on a "lame ride":

"SHUT UP, that's like my favorite ride."

Cleveland, OH: After I asked my brother why in the world he made a turn into the Roy Orbison room:

"Actually, I was hoping it's a shortcut to the exit."

Toledo, OH: My brother's friend, a Toledo native, in response to my inquiry as to why the Toledo Mudhens' store was called the "Swamp Shop":

"Dude, they're the Mudhens."

Philadelphia, PA: After I told the toothless guy in front of me to "keep it PG" because he was making out with his girlfriend:

"Hey, my uncle died in a war for this country, I can do whatever I want."

New York, NY: The first thing I said upon showing up last night at the Girl's apartment with flowers:

"Hey, I missed you. Can we watch the Yankee game?"

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Cleveland Rocks

Cleveland was surprisingly nice. I've never heard of anyone talk about Jacobs Field, but it was beautiful.

The food selection was poor. There was a sushi stand, but I don't think I would eat sushi in Ohio, let alone in a ballpark.

The Indians were playing the Pirates and there were more Pirates fans there than there were at the Pirates game I went to in Pittsburgh last week. I actually saw a fistfight break out in the stands in the 8th inning.

I got a little homesick.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Detroit Rock City

Comerica park in Detroit does a great job of framing the city's skyline in the outfield. It's all very impressive until you take a closer look and realize that half of the buildings are abandoned.

When you buy a hot dog, they whip one out already wrapped. Of course, this means that the bun is soggy because the boiled hot dog has been sitting in the bun for a while. Horrible, horrible hot dogs.

I explained this to the hot dog vendor but I don't think he cared very much. The jailhouse tattoos on his arms and three teardrop tattoos on his cheek indicated that he had bigger concerns.

Friday, May 19, 2006

Eyes On The Prize

Pittsburgh is nice. I think all cities should pick one color and paint all of their bridges to match.

Yesterday at the Pittsburgh Pirates game, someone from the crowd won a prize by correctly answering a trivia question. He picked the Pirates windbreaker over the mystery prize. The mystery prize was revealed to be a pack of Three's Company trading cards.

My brother said, "Wait, isn't one prize supposed to be BETTER than the other?"

Thursday, May 18, 2006

What it Takes to Make This Boy Be Bad

Just before I left for my four-day road trip, the Girl kissed me, told me she loved me, told me to have a great time, and gave me a bite on the neck so big that you can see it from space.

Take Me Out To the Ballgame

Baseball is the greatest sport on earth. Part of the reason for this is the experience of the ballpark.

Can you compare the seventh-inning stretch to the 20 minutes between periods in the NHL? Can you shell peanuts while you're freezing your ass off in Giants Stadium? Is there a sound in sports greater than a wooden bat knocking a baseball out of a park?

It's 100 yards to the end zone on every football field in the USA. Every basket in the NBA is ten feet off the ground. There's no Green Monster. There's no home runs right into a bay. Each baseball stadium has character.

Last night, my brother T-Nice and I went to see the Yankees in the House that Ruth Built. Today, we're taking the Jeep on a trip to see four more ballparks in the next four days, because there is nothing more American than getting in your gas-guzzling truck and driving around the country to watch baseball in a bunch of different cities.

Hot dogs will be plentiful. Posting will be sporadic. God bless America.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

I Pray to God to Stay Alive, My Attitude Boils Inside

A partner asked me to work for another associate on a patent application.

Being a lateral attorney is tough. All of the partners at my current firm proceed under the delusion that I was born in the cabbage patch a week before I started here. They forget that I had over three years of patent experience before I even came to this firm.

Regardless, I agreed to work on the application. I want to be a team player and show that I can work well with others. You know, I wanted to actually do that bullshit people talk about on interviews but never actually do.

I abandoned rankings and Uncle Tommed it up to an associate who started practicing law after I did.

The associate and I went through three lengthy revisions to the application. I made all of his changes, even if I disagreed with them. It took weeks. But this guy was the pet associate of the partner so I thought he knew what the partner was looking for.

So you can understand why I was so angry when the partner called me last night to tell me that the application is "a piece of shit."

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

That Girl is Pretty Wild Now -- The Girl's a Super Freak

My buddy Fingers:

"My wife is in London on business. When she gets back, she's going to be so excited that I taped both episodes of Grey's Anatomy that she missed. Go ahead and laugh, but when you get married, you'll see: that's enough to get into the panties."

More Than Words Is All I Ever Needed You To Show

The Girl and I have been going out for three months.

This morning I woke up and said, "Listen, I have something to say but I don't want to discuss it and I don't want you to respond. It's just something that I want to say because it's in my heart and I need to get it out. After I say it, we can talk about something else."

Her perfectly groomed eyebrows raised and she looked right at me with those big beautiful eyes.

I said, "I really want to go out for pancakes before I go to work."

Monday, May 15, 2006

But I Can Bust You Out With My Super Sperm

My cousin J3 got a vasectomy this past week and was limping around my grandmother's house yesterday. Here is a list of actual comments made by my family:

"Maybe with the swelling, you'll be a decent size."
"Maybe now you'll stop humping my leg every time you see me."
"Since you're not a man anymore, happy Mother's Day."
"Trust me, this will make things a lot easier with the mistress."
"Thank God you're not having any more kids."

Sunday, May 14, 2006

I Want To Be a Part of It, New York, New York
Was that ANOTHER home run? I can't see so well

I took the Girl to a game at Yankee Stadium yesterday. We met my buddy Docks and his girlfriend, who doesn't like me.

Docks and I go way back and I love the guy. I love his girl too but she thinks I'm a bad influence on him. She thinks I drink and sleep around too much and I need to grow up.

At the end of the day, the Girl said, "It was nice meeting you, I hope to see you both again."

My buddy's girl said, "I hope so. I really hope so."

Born Sinner, the Opposite of a Winner

Last week I told my boss that I had started thinking about buying a house. I said, "Before I sign anything, can you just tell me generally if the firm is thinking of firing me?"

He said, "Well, a lot of the partners still feel that your work needs improvement." Then he changed the subject.

So guess what, mom? I'm not moving out any time soon. Happy mother's day!

Saturday, May 13, 2006

Like A Dungeon Dragon

You know when you start the day by saying to a witness:

"Please make sure to speak loudly and clearly so that the court reporter sitting next to you can record your testimony. Also be sure to verbalize your answers because the reporter cannot record physical motions. Do you understand that?"

and the witness NODS HIS HEAD,

it's going to be a long day.

Friday, May 12, 2006

It's One, Two, Three Strikes You're Out

I took the Girl to the Phillies vs. Mets game last night in Philadelphia.

Here are three reasons not to bring a girl to a baseball game:

3. "I'll just have a bite of yours."

2. "Is there mustard on my face?"

1. T-Nice: Who is starting for the Yanks tonight?

Fresh: Shawn Chacon.

Girl: Were you guys just talking about Sasha Cohen?

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Nowhere to Run, Nowhere to Hide

I write a lot of letters to opposing lawyers. Whenever I bring a letter to my boss for approval, he always crosses out "By E-mail" and writes in "By Fax."

He's old school: he still doesn't trust e-mail and insists on sending all documents by fax.

Last night I finally fought him on it. It was after 8 and I didn't feeling like waiting for a fax receipt from five recipients. I said, "I'm sending this by e-mail."

He asked, "Why do you always want to send your letters by e-mail?"

I said, "If I send a fax to the other lawyers, it will probably spit out into their mailrooms and they won't see it until the next day. Their secretaries will carry it in with five other things while they are sipping their coffee. When I send them an e-mail, they get it instantly. It can find them at home, it can find them on their mobile e-mail device. If they're in the office and they're just about to shut down and go home, they get my e-mail and they know they have to open that attachment. It's even better if they're at the bar ordering a drink and their little fucking Blackberry on their hip buzzes. They read my name, they read 'please see attached,' and they know that whenever they back to the office I'll be waiting for them. I want them to know that I'm thinking about the case. I want them to know that while they're out at a movie or having a drink, I'm in the office kicking their ass."

He let me send it by e-mail.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

If You a Freaky Dancin' Ho, Keep Shakin' That Shit

I pulled my old CD player out of the Jeep and replaced it with an Alpine receiver that connects to my iPod.

But I noticed that sometimes I can't see the display on the Alpine very well while wearing my polarized Ray-Bans. Sometimes it's hard being Fresh.

The biggest advantage of the upgrade is that the radio has a search feature that allows me to search for any song on the iPod quickly. That means that at any point during my drive, whenever the mood strikes and without rummaging for a CD, I can play Ass 'N Titties.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Is Brooklyn In The House?
I got a castle in Brooklyn, that's where I dwell

I took the Girl to the Brooklyn Botanic Garden and the Brooklyn Museum over the weekend. The peonies and lilacs were in bloom and the entire garden smelled lovely.

On the train ride out to Brooklyn, I said, "Let's see who can name more famous people who were born in Brooklyn!" I named MCA, Biggie Smalls, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, and Winston Churchill (I was wrong, it was actually his mother who was born in Brooklyn). She rolled her eyes and threatened to punch me if I didn't stop.

In the end, we both won.

Monday, May 08, 2006

I Only Wanted To See You Laughing in the Purple Rain

The answer to:

"Why are you buying Astroglide? We've never, ah, needed that before."

is NOT:

"I'm tired of foreplay."

"We're doing something different tonight, and we're going to need a lot of this."

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Let the Bodies Hit the Floor

If you're in a bar talking shit to a girl, the answer to

"What would we do on our first date?"

Is NOT:

"You can help me bury my ex-girlfriend's body."

Saturday, May 06, 2006

My Strength Is Ten-Fold, Girl

I have a Scott Stevens Devils jersey. Scott is retired now, but I bought it years ago because I liked the way he played. He was always the tough guy on the ice. He routinely taunted the opposing players and would regularly present his chin and dare people to hit him.

While playing hockey with the jersey on last summer, some guy slashed me and I got a little blood on the sleeve. It looked tough, so I left it.

Last week at the Devils game, I spilled mustard on the sleeve right next to the blood. It doesn't look so tough anymore.

Friday, May 05, 2006

Never Cower, Never Shower, and I'm Always Stinking

I got home from work early last night. I went into the kitchen to put the kettle on. I heard my mom in the bathroom saying, "Do you like that? Is that too hot?"

I realized that because I came home early, I must have interrupted an intimate moment between my parents. I grabbed my keys and decided to go out to dinner.

As I exited the house, I ran into my dad in the backyard reading a book. Nonplussed, I asked, "Hey, who is mom talking to?"

He said, "She's giving the dog a bath."

Thursday, May 04, 2006

O, The Day I Heard That, That He Was Dead!

The power of the ex is not something to be overlooked.

My last girlfriend had beautiful hair, but she occasionally wore it in this one fashion I didn't like. I repeatedly told her I didn't like it, but she ignored me.

Then, one day, I said, "The reason I don't like your hair like that is because it reminds me of my ex." And I never saw that hairstyle again.

With the new Girl, it's been flipped on me. In the beginning of the relationship, she told me, "It always made me upset that my last boyfriend never let me hang out with his friends."

Now every time I go out with friends I invite her because I'm so scared of being just like her ex. I hate when my tools are used against me.

I'm a Wizard of the Word, That's What You Heard

I am supposed to go meet with a client this week. He is hesitant to let us look through his files because he tends to be very secretive, but we need his files for a lawsuit.

Fresh: I don't think he's going to let me look at his computer. Letting someone sit at your personal computer is very intrusive. I wouldn't let my mom sit at my computer.
Partner: Lots of porn?
Fresh: No, there's no porn on my computer. I'm worried about the plans and manifestos.
Partner: Ah, should I be concerned?

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Funky Fresh and Yes Cold On My Feet

I met with an inventor yesterday who designs shoes for senior citizens. One of my jobs as a patent attorney is to help inventors come up with alternative uses for their inventions when we write the patent application. Sometimes I'm good at it.

Fresh: Ever thought about putting like a microchip in the shoe to track them if they wander off?
Inventor: ...
Fresh: Like a Lojack for old people?
Inventor: ...
Fresh: Because sometimes my grandma wanders off, and it would be cool to jump in a van and track her down.
Inventor: ...
Fresh: Don't they have tracking devices for dogs that run away all the time? Maybe we can just stick that in the shoe.
Inventor: ...
Fresh: Didn't Michael Meyers escape from a hospital? I know he wasn't a senior citizen but it would have been useful there.
Inventor: ...
Fresh: Ok, let's forget that idea. I won't charge you for that rant.
Inventor: ...

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

The Shaolin and the Wu-Tang Could Be Dangerous

Should I leave Staten Island? Let us review my two favorite Staten Island news stories from April.

A retired NYC cop, angered that he was cut off on the expressway, followed the driver who cut him off to a Chinese restaurant and shot him to death.
A town hall meeting last weekend to discuss the benefits and detriments of a possible NASCAR track on Staten Island turned into a shouting match and had to be broken up by the cops when one attendant beat up a City Councilman who is opposed to the track.

Monday, May 01, 2006

But You Were Always On My Mind

I haven't really figured out the right answer to the question, "Why did you break up with your ex?"

If I Say	She Will Think
"We grew apart"	he'll get bored of me
"She wanted kids"	he's afraid of commitment
"She sucked in bed"	he thinks he's good in bed
"She didn't like my baked goods"	he's gay
"She cheated"	he will be jealous and suspicious
"I cheated"	he's a cheater

Yesterday the Girl asked the real reason that my ex and I broke up. I said, "I just didn't treat her properly."

That was honest, but judging by her reaction I don't think it was the right answer.

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