*** abandoned ***
Saving for culinary school.
Wednesday, November 30, 2005Cut You Loose From The Chain Gang And Let You Go
A few months back, a partner asked me to join a big case that was just starting. I agreed and in addition to a few hours of work, I had to go out to dinner with the client. The food was good but it was 4 hours that didn't count towards my month-end total. A wasted evening.
Then the case stalled for a while. Attempts at settlement failed.
Yesterday I got work copies of some documents related to the case on my desk. They were written by another associate. The partner replaced me on the case without even telling me.
I went straight to his office and asked why he kicked me off the case.
He said, "I didn't kick you off, you're still the technical guy. I just needed someone with more experience to write those document requests." I just walked out without a response.
Firstly, document requests do not require an enormous amount of skill.
Secondly, the associate he replaced me with, although very skilled, is actually less experienced than I.
When I got back to my office I realized what was going on: he was using me for my looks! That's why he wanted me to go out with the client but he doesn't want me working on the case! He thinks I'm nothing but a pretty face and a hot body!
I have a mind too, you know.
Tuesday, November 29, 2005I'm Raw, I Keep It Hardcore For The Streets
The head of the file room is a woman who doesn't mince words:
"Are you trying to be all rugged with that beard? Because it's going to be hard for you to pull off rugged when you were in here last week saying that you need to restock your Clinique moisturizing lotion because winter is coming."
Monday, November 28, 2005All I Really Want Is Girls
My cousin threw a pajama party over the weekend. He's an attractive guy so there are always lots of women at his parties.
When I got there he pointed out the girl he was currently sleeping with. She was hot, and she looked happy until his girlfriend showed up. While they argued in the kitchen, he mixed shots with another girl.
He called me last night and asked if I got any pictures of the girl who was helping him tend bar. I asked why. He said, "I think I'm in love with her."
Sunday, November 27, 2005I Got Money, I Got Juice, I Got To The Party And I Got Loose
I met a hot female attorney last night.
It's funny, whenever I tell a non-attorney that I live with my parents, they always say the same thing: "Why?"
When I tell an attorney that I live with my parents, they always say, "Wow, you must be rich."
Saturday, November 26, 2005Bring Drama Like Nicaragua
My younger brother was in town yesterday so I asked him if he wanted to go to the mall with me.
He said, "Yeah, I need a belt to match those shoes I bought last month in Nicaragua."
Then at lunch he said, "Hey, isn't the Sega Genesis just in a box in the parents' basement somewhere?"
And NHL 93 was played with many, many drinks. It's always so exciting and random when he visits.
Friday, November 25, 2005Bad Gettin' Bolder - Cold Getting Colder
It's Christmas season again and believe it or not, I have been invited to a number of "holiday" parties.
Here's where I need your help: I need to come up with an appetizer that I can bring to these parties. It is preferably a cold appetizer, but it should be something that I can bring and set out immediately without asking to use the host's oven, utensils, or strap-on.
I want the appetizer to be impressive and powerful. I want it to be a showcase of my culinary skill.
I want all the hot women to say to each other, "Oh my Lord, who made this appetizer? It's the most divine thing I've ever eaten in my life. The first thing I want in my mouth after this appetizer is the guy who made it."
So hook me up.
Thursday, November 24, 2005And I Want To Thank You
Happy Thanksgiving. I am thankful for my family, my friends, my health, my KitchenAid mixer, my pile of money, my commenters, and drunk sluts.
I'm also thankful that the McDonald's on the way to my grandmother's house is open on Thanksgiving.
Wednesday, November 23, 2005I'm An Extraordinary Machine
I've been biking for a little over a week now and I decided to attach my GPS watch my bike this morning to see how far I've been going every day. It turns out that I can bike for about three miles before becoming winded.
This is humbling for a man who was running 13 miles every Saturday just last month.
Lance, I have newfound respect for you. But that still doesn't mean that I'm going to wear one of your lame-ass bracelets.
Tuesday, November 22, 2005But I Know I'm A Mess She Don't Want To Clean Up
I met a stunning girl in a bar over the weekend. She had a genuine smile and beautiful reddinsh-blonde hair that was luminous even when pulled back. She spoke softly as she described her work with various charities. She may have been an angel.
Within twenty minutes of meeting her, I somehow worked into the conversation that:
Monday, November 21, 2005I Cut So Much, You Thought I Was a DJ
I was washing dishes yesterday morning when I broke a glass an cut my hand open.
It was clear that I needed stitches.
But I had lunch plans with my buddies pink and fluff in Manhattan in only a few hours. A trip to the hospital didn't fit in. So I just added more and more layers of medical tape until blood stopped seeping out.
In Times Square I agitated the injury when I reached in my pocket to pull out some cash for a Coke from a street vendor. It started to bleed again.
So I'm waiting in line in Duane Reade in Times Square to buy medical tape and gauze while two Norwegian tourists in front of me tried to pay for their two bottles of water in CHANGE -- change that they couldn't count because they didn't know what any of it was. The clerk was helping by pointing out which change was actually American. Then I noticed that I was dripping blood all over the floor.
Still, it was one of my better outings to Duane Reade.
Sunday, November 20, 2005While The Sticky Food's Steaming Your Mind Starts To Dreaming
Last night I roasted a chicken with potatoes for dinner. I thought it would be a good way to kick off Thanksgiving week.
It was the first time I broke out my digital probe thermometer. My father was fascinated; he asked three times, "So, you just leave it in the oven the whole time?"
My parents aren't big on kitchen gadgets. They didn't even own a whisk when I moved in. Sometimes when I cook for them I feel like I'm a pilgrim teaching the Indians how to use basic cooking tools.
Saturday, November 19, 2005Go Greased Lightning
I needed to get my oil changed yesterday so my buddy convinced me to go to the service station he uses so we could keep each other company while our oil was changed.
He said, "If they offer to replace your 4-Wheel Drive differential fluid, don't do it. I brought my Blazer in here over the summer and the entire 4-Wheel drive system failed a week later."
This, as my Jeep was on the lift.
"Then why are we here?"
He replied, "Because I have a three-dollar coupon."
Friday, November 18, 2005My Man MCA's Got A Beard Like A Billy Goat
Two weeks ago I stopped shaving.
I saw some Jake Plummer highlights or some Johnny Damon free agency rumors and I just decided that I'm never going to cut my hair or shave ever again.
Those guys look like shit, but they walk around with such attitude that it doesn't even matter. It's as if they're saying to the world, "Yeah, I look sloppy, but I'm so damned good at what I do that it doesn't even matter what I look like. You want to fuck me anyway."
That's what I wanted my look to say.
But I ended up looking more like Kevin Federline. All my look says is, "I'm complete white trash."
Thursday, November 17, 2005No Camera, But Lots Of Action
It's time for a Fresh Pepper product review!
I bought the Samsumg Digimax 402 because it was small and I like to carry my camera everywhere. But it was the worst camera I have ever owned and here's why:
1. The switch to distinguish between "close-up" (meaning blurry) and "landscape" (meaning slightly less blurry) was located on the FRONT of the camera. When you asked someone to take a picture for you, you inevitable saw their finger slip over the front of the camera and change the setting as you were smiling or licking or whatever.
2. The camera claims to be a color camera but really only captured shades of brown and gray. All of the pictures looked like they were taken in a quarry. On a cloudy day.
3. The camera says 4.0 MegaPixels but if you print 4x6 photos, they had mosaics worse than Japanese porn.
And here's a tip: if you decide to take an ax to your old camera, make sure you take the expensive memory card out first.
Wednesday, November 16, 2005That's Why I Found You Don't Play Around With The Funky Cold Medina
You wake up at 1 in the morning feeling like ass and you figure, "Well, if I only have a half dose of NyQuil, I'll sleep until 6 and wake up feeling great, right?"
WRONG. You'll wake up at 9 feeling like shit.
I wish I could learn that there is a zone of opportunity for NyQuil that ends at 10 pm.
Tuesday, November 15, 2005I Realize Now That I Was Wrong
So the Girl finally listed some reasons as to why she left me. I have to be honest, she had a pretty strong case.
Many years ago I dated a fellow law student who told me, "You know, when I tell you I'm upset about something, you try to argue with me as to why I shouldn't be upset. But the fact is -- I'm upset. You need to listen, accept, and try not to upset me in the future, even if it doesn't make any sense. You can't convince me not to be upset." (Emphasis original.)
This has been a problem for me. I'm not good at this. But I didn't realize I was doing it with the Girl until it was too late
The answer to "Stop looking at that girl" is NOT "I was not looking at that girl" but IS "ok" regardless of whether you were actually looking at that girl.
The answer to "Stop writing about me on the blog" is NOT "but it's funny" but IS "ok" regardless of whether it's funny.
If this were a comparative negligence jurisdiction, I estimate that the breakup would be 63% my fault.
So today, I am going to take a huge step toward bettering myself. Air your greivances in the comments. I will listen and accept.
Monday, November 14, 2005No Time For Hibernation, Only Elation
Since I'm 29 and it recently became obvious that I was going to spend the rest of my life alone, I decided to have an early midlife crisis.
What to do? The Jeep is already a convertible and I already have a tattoo (got the tattoo for my last midlife crisis).
So I went out and bought a mountain bike.
Because I'm taking some time off from running (knee problems) it's nice to have something that gets me out in the open air. I really enjoy it.
But I just don't feel like the midlife crisis is complete until I buy some lame cyclist clothes and learn the lingo.
Sunday, November 13, 2005Run In A Gun Fight With Nothing But A Knife
I made a cheesecake last night and brought it to my grandmother's today. It was in my Kaiser springform pan and I didn't want to cut it with a sharp knife for fear of damaging my beautiful pan.
I asked if she had something plastic or rubber to cut the cake.
She smiled, opened a drawer full of plastic cutlery, and produced a plastic knife from Wendy's -- still in the plastic wrapper.
Last night my younger brother and I made Creamy Peanut Chicken Stew. It was a wonderful Indian dish that didn't photograph well but tasted delicious.
I had never cooked Indian food before. I commented as to how the garam masala worked so well with the cayenne pepper. My father agreed as he doused the entire meal in Frank's Red Hot Sauce.
Saturday, November 12, 2005The One Who Knows About Things That Make You Get Weary
My dad is pretty good with tools. He used to be a plumber and an electrician.
But we're in the process of putting laminate floors in one room -- a product that didn't even exist 20 years ago when he learned all of his skills.
He said, "I'll just ask the guy in the store what I need." My dad is used to the days of mom-and-pop hardware stores that are staffed with skilled employees. Unfortunately, all of these stores were run out of business by Home Depot where I live.
So, how was my dad's trip to Home Depot?
He came back frustrated and said to me, "The employees in Home Depot don't know the difference between a finishing nail and a piece of plywood."
Friday, November 11, 2005The Sounds of Silence
I haven't heard from the Girl in about a week. She stopped answering phone calls and stopped responding to e-mails without any obvious triggering event.
Then yesterday my cast iron pan that I left in her apartment arrived in the mail.
Do you know how much you have to hate someone to pay the postage for a 10" cast iron pan instead of dropping it off? Or tell me to come pick it up?
Somebody paid a ton of money to never have to speak to me again.
I've been through plenty of breakups, but that's a first. I must be getting
worse at dating.
Thursday, November 10, 2005Your Daughter's Tied Up In a Brooklyn Basement
Some guy with a thick Brooklyn accent called me at work yesterday.
Guy: Hey, I'm looking for an attorney to attend to some criminal defense matters.
Fresh: Sorry, I really only practice patent law.
Guy: That's funny, I wonder how your name got on this list. Ok, thanks. Bye.
And he hung up before I could ask him what list he was looking at.
I hope it was a list of the sexiest attorneys in America.
Wednesday, November 09, 2005Nobody Was Looking, I Was Thinking Of You
I went to my first physical therapy session for my wrist yesterday. While the therapist was measuring my complete lack of flexibility, I looked around the room at all of the toys and tools she had.
I spotted a Hitachi Magic Wand!
I exclaimed, "Wow, you have a Magic Wand! I didn't realize people actually used those for.. ah... like real... you know... stuff."
Tuesday, November 08, 2005Bounce With Me Now Shorty Let's Get Into It
I was watching the news this morning before heading off to the poles and a reporter was interviewing a lady on the street about one of the referenda on the ballot. The lady's opinion seemed reasonable until her elocution was interrupted by her cell phone with a 50 Cent ringtone.
Monday, November 07, 2005To Burn My Kingdom, You Must Use Fire
I made a chocolate pound cake in my Bundt pan yesterday and brought it to my grandmother's. After that, I didn't leave my room for the rest of the day.
A few years ago, Microsoft sent me a letter saying that my Xbox may go on fire at random. I ignored the letter. They sent another one last year, and I ignored that one too.
Last month, they actually sent me a new power supply for my Xbox that will not go on fire. And while Halo 2 was loading yesterday, I looked at the new power supply and briefly thought about taking it out of the box it was mailed in.
Sunday, November 06, 2005Don't Sweat The Technique
I made fried pork chops, mashed potatoes, steamed asparagus, and homemade applesauce for dinner last night.
My father put all of the food on his plate and then got up and put it into the microwave. I asked if his pork chop was undercooked (of course it was not).
He said, "No, I just wanted to microwave the asparagus so the butter will melt on it."
Mind you, the asparagus was plenty hot. He just put a half-stick of butter on it. And if I had gotten up as a child to microwave something that he had cooked, he probably would have kicked my ass.
Saturday, November 05, 2005I Specialize In Making All The Girls Get Naked
My buddy Gargoyle was telling me yesterday that he enjoyed my post about having a "fun size" penis.
Gargoyle: And the best thing is, only like 7 people know whether it's true or not.
Fresh: Seven? Wow, you estimate I've only had sex with 7 women?
Gargoyle: Actually, I counted your parents in there because I figured they would know from when you were a baby.
Friday, November 04, 2005Keep Me Rockin' All Of The Time
My younger brother makes fun of me because I order the house red wine and swirl it in the glass.
Thursday, November 03, 2005To A Degree That You Can't Get In College
I got my high school alumni newsletter in the mail yesterday and discovered that two of my old high school buddies recently got married.
Now, this may surprise you -- but I was kind of in the nerdy group at high school.
So I looked up their wedding announcements online. One of them didn't go to college and is in the Navy. The other didn't go to college and works in an auto parts store. There is nothing wrong with those jobs, but I expected them to pursue much different paths.
I told this to my mother and I voiced my disappointment. "They were such bright guys, I wonder what happened?"
My mother said, "Don't feel bad for them. They probably have a better life than you."
Wednesday, November 02, 2005After The Party, It's the Hotel Lobby
I ended my birthday road trip with a weekend in a beachfront hotel in Cape May, which is a lovely town at the southern tip of New Jersey.
The shops were lovely, the food was excellent, and the beach was very relaxing.
But the Girl and I were the youngest people in town by about 50 years. It is a great place to make you feel young.
It is not a great place to hope to meet an attractive girl at the hotel bar and get a few drinks into your girl in order to suggest a birthday threesome.
Tuesday, November 01, 2005I Touch The Right Spot At The Right Time
The second stop on my birthday road trip was the Cape May Zoo.
When we walked into the House of Birds, a crow squawked at us. He was in a cage close to the entrance. I asked him what he wanted and he rubbed his head against the bars. I leaned in close to the cage and started scratching his feathers. I noticed that he was molting.
When birds molt, their new feathers grow in under thin, plastic-like sheaths. Scratching a molting bird helps the feathers come out and provides great relief for the bird.
So I spent 10 minutes scratching the crow. He closed his eyes and moved his whole body against the bars of his cage.
The Girl freaked out. She thought (1) he was going to bite me, and (2) I was sure to catch some horrible disease from this bird that I would pass to her. I heard her mumble the words "bird flu."
I gave some serious thought as to why I attract hypochondriacs. I think it's because I am so unattractive that they think, "This guy must be disease-free, I bet NOBODY has fucked him."