*** abandoned ***
Saving for culinary school.
Wednesday, September 13, 2006We Don't Cause Trouble, We Don't Bother Nobody
I've decided to write my final post in the form of an FAQ.
What the Fuck?
Back in July, I was fired from my law firm.
They told me that I was being let go because I missed a minor deadline while on vacation. (For the patent attorneys: I failed to respond to a PCT Invitation to Pay Fees.) Someone else filed it for me. It was something so minor and so ridiculous that I'm pretty sure nobody has ever been fired for it ever in the history of patent law. It's a lot like saying, "We're letting you go because you left your computer on overnight."
This came less than one week after my mid-year review, during which the partnership told me that my work had been improving lately and they were "optimistic about [my] future at the firm."
After my firing, I went into a partner's office -- a partner I was pretty close with and think is a decent guy -- and asked him why I was fired. He said, "I can't tell you."
Dooced? Probably. I did have a shitty attitude, but I was billing way over the firm minimum. And if my attitude was that bad, why didn't they fire me at my mid-year review? Why wait until a week later?
They offered me two months of severance pay if I agreed to sign something saying that I wouldn't say anything bad about the firm and I wouldn't sue the firm. I signed that fucker, shut down the blog, and took two months off with the pile of money.
A week after they fired me, they gave out a new employee handbook. The only revision: they added a paragraph prohibiting employees from talking about the firm on a web site.
Didn't you blog at your other firm?
I used to blog when I was at a biglaw firm. One day, the managing partner of that firm called me into his office and asked me to shut it down. I did. It was the only time we ever spoke. The blog has gotten me in trouble before, but it was handled with the utmost civility. If this firm had asked me to shut it down, I would have.
I started my new job last week and I like it a lot. I cannot blog because I need to keep this job. If someone would like to pay off my student loans (currently 50K), I can guarantee one post per day for the next five years. Also, I'll go down on you.
What about culinary school?
This may come as a shock, but I actually enjoy being an attorney most days. I joke about joining the army, working at Wendy's, or wrestling professionally, but being a patent attorney is a pretty sweet gig.
Are you really writing a book?
Sadly, yes. It's just about as bad as this blog, but I am enjoying writing it. I'm not sure how a publishing company will handle words like "analingus," but we'll find out. I'll try to keep it out of the title.
Why come back for one week?
I wanted to write an epilogue to the blog explaining what really happened. I also wanted to emphasize Dooce's famous quote: "BE YE NOT SO STUPID." Blogging is fun, but it's a dangerous game.
Why don't you just start another blog under a new name?
I'm pretty sure you can google "springform pan" +"fun size" +"patent attorney" +"cock ring" and I wouldn't be anonymous anymore.
That said, I'll probably do it anyway.
May you all find peace and happiness, and may much of your sex be oral.
Tuesday, September 12, 2006I've Been Everywhere, Man
The top question I have been getting lately is, "Hey Fresh, what the fuck have you been doing all summer?"
So here's what I did on my summer vacation:
Monday, September 11, 2006Who's Bad?
I went on a trip to the client's house to find documents. I took a bunch of documents back to the firm.
I discovered a bad document. Bad meaning bad, not bad meaning good. Bad meaning it could sink our entire lawsuit.
I brought it to the partner. He agreed that it was bad. Together, we brought it to the big man.
The big man's name is on the door, the letterhead, and my paychecks. The big man doesn't get involved in the case, but this document was so bad, we ended up in his office.
The door was closed. He looked at the bad document. The only three people on earth who knew that bad document existed were in that office. The firm has the case on contingency, meaning that this bad document would cost the other two people in that room about 2 million dollars each.
He took off his glasses, rubbed his eyes, and looked at me.
A million things were running through my head. What could he say to me, the associate who inadvertently -- but honestly -- found a document that cost him a fortune?
He smiled at me and said, "I'm sorry, what is your name?"
Saturday, September 09, 2006Can I Hit It And Quit?
I think James Brown is my favorite artist to listen to while driving. You don't have to sing along with James if you don't want to. You can just agree with James. You can just give James permission. You don't need a good singing voice to do that.
"Yeah, let's hit it like we did on the top."
Friday, September 08, 2006I Have Seen the Land Beyond
Today I had lunch at Jean Georges in Columbus Circle.
I've always been an enthusiast of French cuisine and Jean Georges himself, but I had never actually been to his flagship restaurant until today. I actually face Jean Georges five times a day to pray to the gastronomy gods.
I ordered two desserts. When the waiter asked how they were, I said, "I have seen the face of God."
The food at Jean Georges was so amazing that it humbled me: I realized that I am a decent cook but I have a long way to go before I can create such incredibly layered food.
Strangely, it was a feeling I've never experienced relating to my legal career.
Yesterday I took my motorcycle to Williams-Sonoma. I walked in with my leather jacket on, holding my helmet. There were no other patrons in the store. There were two clerks working at the time. They both looked up at me, and went right back to what they were doing without saying a word.
It was the first time in my life that nobody in Williams-Sonoma greeted me or asked me if I needed help.
I thought, "Hey, I wonder if this is what it feels like to be black."
But then I went to the U.S. Open last night, so the feeling was fleeting.
Thursday, September 07, 2006Steady As She Goes
I was on a job interview last month at a big company. I asked the interviewer during lunch when was the last time that the company had laid anyone off.
He said, "What day is it?"
When he laughed, I expressed my concern.
He said, "It's funny, we actually laid off our CIO last week. But don't worry about it, the company doesn't lay off lawyers. Last year we laid off 3,000 people -- and we're only a company of about 15,000 employees -- but not one attorney was laid off. If you look closely at the company's sign on the side of the highway, we had to replace a few of the tiles in the sign because somebody came in the middle of the night and blasted the sign with a shotgun."
I didn't take the job.
The Girl and I are still going strong. On a typical night, we like to spend a good two or three hours deciding where to have dinner.
On Tuesday night, she reached frustration.
Girl: Ok, how about you tell me what you're not in the mood for?
Fresh: Ok, cock.
Fresh: Cock, I don't want cock for dinner. Other than cock, I'll eat anything. Thai, pizza, and falafel are all fine. I just don't want cock.
So last night I cooked dinner. Nobody argues over peach soufflé.
Wednesday, September 06, 2006They Know Me, I Ain't Gotta Say Where I Been
I was late getting to my mother's house last night.
It's harder than I thought to properly strap a Tart Tatin to the back of a Harley. Somehow, I don't think it's a problem anybody has faced before.
I would like to expound my opinion on why Tone Loc's "Funky Cold Medina" is one of the best songs ever made.
The song starts with Tone in a bar failing to hook up. He notices that some loser is getting a lot of women. The loser tells Tone that he uses a love potion called "Funky Cold Medina" that makes women love him.
What is the first thing Tone does when this stranger gives him this fantastic love potion? Tone gives it to his dog. The dog then humps Tone's leg. This would not be my first choice for the usage of the love potion.
In verse 3, Tone uses the Medina with an attractive woman he meets at a bar that turns out to be a man in drag. Contrast this to today's rap songs: rappers today brag about how many women they sleep with, and here's Tone saying that he found a man in drag attractive.
Despite being in possession of this fantastic love potion that draws women to him, Tone then decides to go on Love Connection in verse 4. He doesn't go to the strip club or to the college library, he goes on a game show where he will meet ONE woman. He takes his date to the Hilton.
His date then starts talking about planning a wedding with Tone, presumably because the Medina was a little too strong. Tone said that she moved too fast so he ditched her.
Now, I would think that he would have had sex with the girl who discusses the wedding. The whole song is about Tone's failure to copulate, why wouldn't he take her to a room and have sex with her? Isn't that the only reason that men talk about wedding plans anyway?
At the end of the song, I'm still confused as to who is supposed to drink the Medina. The guy who gives the Medina to Tone says that the Medina should go "in your glass;" this is not a song about slipping drugs to women. But when Tone gives it to his dog, the dog humps Tone's leg. Wouldn't giving the Medina to the dog make Tone want to hump the dog?
Let's review. Tone gets magical love potion, uses it with (1) his dog, (2) a man in drag, and (3) a willing woman that he ditches. In the Hilton.
Lest we get too caught up in the lyrics of the song, let us not forget the heavy breathing over the music, the Foreigner sample, and the part where Tone says "break it down" and almost nothing happens. And there may be cowbell involved.
Tuesday, September 05, 2006A Word to the Thick Soul Sistas: I Wanna Get With Ya
I brought the Jeep to one of those sleazy auto repair shops on the West Side this morning. As they conducted the inspection, I stood on the corner of 26th and 10th and enjoyed a cigarette.
A model walked by. It seemed like a strange neighborhood for a model, but then a few more walked by.
During the twenty-minute inspection, I spotted about 50 models, with about 40 exposed midriffs, 30 cigarettes, and not one breast.
When I paid, I asked the attendant where they were coming from. He said, "There's a modeling agency across the street. Pretty great, right?"
I said, "Not really. Call me when they audition the Lane Bryant models."
I bought a Harley last month.
At the dealership, I took a break to use the men's room while filling out the paperwork. I noticed that the sink had not only soap, but also a large pump of Vaseline intensive care moisturizing lotion.
When I told the salesman that I found it strange for a Harley dealership to have lotion on the sink -- considering that most of the patrons look like they don't even use soap -- he informed me that many of their patrons need the lotion for their new tattoos and find it convenient.
I said, "Is that what it was for? I had no idea. I totally used it to masturbate while I was in there."