*** abandoned ***
Saving for culinary school.
Friday, March 31, 2006And You May Ask Yourself: Well, How Did I Get Here?
When I was young I used to have a mantra. I used to jump out of bed in the morning saying something positive like, "Patience and persistence" or "One day closer to freedom."
Now I'd like to get out of bed just one day without having to say aloud to myself, "You're not actually tired, you got eight hours of sleep. You're just seriously depressed. Now get up. Maybe the law firm will go on fire today."
Thursday, March 30, 2006
The Man Of The Hour, Tower Of Power, I’ll Devour
Late last night a partner told me, "It's important that you read this document carefully, we may want to use it at the deposition tomorrow. So I'm counting on you."
I felt that it was an important task so I resolved to take it seriously. It was nice to feel that my opinion was important.
But then ten minutes later he asked me to forget reading the document and make some copies for the deposition instead.
Wednesday, March 29, 2006Everybody Knows It's Spring Again
Whenever my friend HJ gets excited about being a newlywed, I try to shoot him down quickly.
HJ: Hey, last night I got home from work and my wife had bought me a new basketball and a new net for my hoop outside to celebrate spring! How great is that?
Fresh: Wow, she thinks you're getting fat.
Tuesday, March 28, 2006I Want To Feel You From The Inside
Yesterday while strolling through the Museum of Sex, I heard something familiar.
It was the sound of a motor. It was the sound of a motor I knew.
It was a sound that immediately made me happy. It was a sound that I have associated with numerous pleasurable activities in my past. It was a sound that put me at ease and made me excited at the same time.
It was a KitchenAid mixer.
It turns out that some genius put a KitchenAid mixer in a tool box, connected it to a long metal rod, and stuck a huge dildo on the end of it, creating a thrusting sex machine.
I can only imagine what the "whip" speed could do.
Monday, March 27, 2006Yo Momma, I Gotta Do Eleven, Living In A Five By Seven
For the Girl's birthday, I took the Girl to a nice dinner and then to the Metropolitan Opera.
The Met opera is one of my favorite things on earth. The Girl had never been. I told the Girl all about the Chagall paintings adorning the opera house, the champagne available during intermission, and the beautiful chandeliers that ascend to the ceiling just before the performance begins.
I also told the girl about the amazing sets designed by the Met that make the audience gasp when the curtain is lifted. Of course, that was before I realized that I took her to an opera that takes place in a prison.
I told her, "They're probably saving the super-impressive scenery for act II."
Act II was in the basement of the prison.
Sunday, March 26, 2006
When I Move, You Move
Last night I saw a guy pulled over on the side of the road with his car hood open, frantically waving his arms. I pulled over and jumped out.
"You need a hand?"
"No!" he shouted. "I'm trying to direct traffic. I was waving you to go by."
It's good to know that I can't read MEN's signals either.
Saturday, March 25, 2006
These Five Words I Swear To You
One type of patent application that I regularly file at work gives you a year to get back to the Patent Office with a more thorough application. It's a temporary application. Yesterday a partner was lecturing me on what he felt such an application that I wrote was lacking.
He said, "This will make it easier when you pick up this application next year to work on it again."
I bust out laughing, which was probably not a good thing.
Then I felt a little bad for him, because he's going to have to find some other sucker to work on it next year.
Then I remembered that he owns a boat and three houses.
Friday, March 24, 2006I Don't Care Too Much For Money
I haven't really done much work since I got my incredibly bad raise in December. Last week I decided that because I really like my current job, I should give them one more chance before I take a new job.
Like George Jetson, I walked into my boss's office and asked for a raise.
Yesterday, I actually got the raise.
I busted my ass all year in '05 and got a terrible raise. I've done no work since then and I just got a raise. Logically, I need to do even less work now to make more money.
Here are some of my ideas for wasting more time:
Thursday, March 23, 2006
She's So Lovable
Today is the Girl's birthday.
One of the things I really like about the Girl is that she is very direct and manages to put things into terms I can understand.
When I came back from the barber yesterday with my hair still pretty long on top, I told her that I was thinking of growing a ponytail and consequently told the barber not to cut the top.
"Just so you know," she said, "Your having a ponytail is definitely going to have an adverse effect on the amount of time your penis is in my mouth."
Happy birthday, baby.
Wednesday, March 22, 2006Gangsta-Ass Niggas Come In All Shapes And Colors
I think yesterday's job interview went well:
Interviewer: So, do you have any kids?
Fresh: I don't really think you're supposed to ask that.
Interviewer: I don't really think you have this job yet.
Fresh: Well, no, I don't. Now do I have the job?
Interviewer: No, not yet.
* * *
Interviewer: Well, that's all I have. Do you have any questions for me?
Fresh: Do you think this tie is too shiny for a job interview?
Tuesday, March 21, 2006It's Not Easy Being Green
I am an avid recycler. I bring bottles home if a pizzeria doesn't recycle them. I bring my newspapers home every night instead of throwing them out in the subway station. And yes, I wash mayonnaise jars, syrup jars, and corn syrup bottles.
This has presented a problem now that I live with my parents: what should I do with paper items such as porn DVD jackets and condom boxes? My solution was to put them all in a paper envelope and stick them in the recycling can.
I thought this was working well until I came back from my run this morning and found random pieces of paper scattered on the street next to the empty can. Among the papers was the cover to the fine movie "Strip Tease Then Fuck 5" and the dust jacket to "She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman" which I removed the dust jacket from so I could read it on the subway.
Monday, March 20, 2006Wealth And Fame He's Ignored, Action Is His Reward
This weekend the Girl and I walked all around the Met and then met up with my brother and his girl in the trustees dining room to have a French dinner for his birthday.
When I showed up to pick up the Girl, I had a Spider Man comic book in my hands (as well as a bouquet, which probably saved me). I knew it was confession time.
"Every time we've gone out, I've gone straight to the comic book store near your apartment after our date. I consider your apartment's proximity to the comic book store to be a huge plus in this relationship. Today I couldn't wait until later because Spider Man got a new suit built by Iron Man. I actually went to the park before I picked you up just so I could read it before our date. I'm sorry, I'm a geek."
Sunday, March 19, 2006
My Wu-Tang Slang Is Mad Fucking Dangerous
If you're one of the people who cursed aloud when the Patent Office changed the layout of its web site this week, you're a loser just like me.
Saturday, March 18, 2006Where Streams Of Whiskey Are Flowing
Yesterday I took the day off work to watch the St. Patrick's Day Parade with my friend Nutmeg. I told her that things were going well with the new girl, but I was slightly concerned about what I like to call my "fun-sized" penis.
Nutmeg: Don't worry. What could be better than fun-sized? It's fun!
Fresh: Well, I guess "fulfilling-sized" would be nice.
Nutmeg: Fulfillment is overrated. We just walked past five bars full of drunk people. Is drinking fulfilling? No, but it sure is fun.
Friday, March 17, 2006Back In School She Could Turn All The Boys' Heads
Last night I took the girl to the Corner Bistro, a dive bar in Manhattan that serves great burgers. The food comes on paper plates, the wait is always at least thirty minutes, and the floor hasn't been cleaned in at least fifty years. But it has a certain charm.
Afterwards, I took her to a fish & chips place that serves a special treat this time of year: deep-fried Cadbury Creme Eggs.
The girl loved it all.
So I decided it was time to spring an important question.
"Hey, one of my school reunions is coming up this summer, will you go with me?"
She said, "Of course!"
"Great!" I said. "Can you wear a wedding ring and a string bikini?"
Thursday, March 16, 2006
We're Gifted And We're Going Far
It's a sad day when you realize that you're not nearly as sexually proficient as your new lover.
In the bedroom, I'm a lot like Tiger Woods's caddy: it's great that I'm there, I carry equipment that is essential to the process, and I'm helping out a lot, but I'm clearly not the star of the show.
Wednesday, March 15, 2006It's A Cold World, Better Pack Your Own Heat
My parents have had the same electric stove since I was born. The burners are all uneven so when you're sautéing something, you need to get all McGyver on the frying pan handle to try to level it out. The stove has one 9" burner and three small burners that couldn't melt butter. Reaching the hardball stage, even on the good burner, is near impossible.
For years, my father insisted that the stove is fine and has steadfastly refused to buy a new one despite my mother's frequent pleading.
Last weekend one of the small burners gave up while I was attempting to steam some broccoli. I decided to not tell my dad lest he think I sabotaged the stove.
Last night he placed an all-metal frying pan on the grate and turned it on. He got an electric shock that jerked his entire body.
At first I felt bad that I didn't say anything about the malfunctioning grate, but then I realized: we're getting a new stove!
Tuesday, March 14, 2006I'm Clean Cut And Dapper, That's What I'm About
I was a little tense yesterday when a partner asked me, "Why are you leaving early?"
I had a job interview.
I said, "I have to take my mom to the doctor. She's had this flu thing for over a week so she wants to get checked out."
He replied, "Then why are you wearing a tie?"
"I'll be honest with you," I said as I walked to his door and closed it. "Her doctor's office has some really hot nurses and I want to look good."
Monday, March 13, 2006There's Not A Problem My Squad Can't Fix
I made a big batch of rugelach this weekend. It required significantly more work than my actual job.
Here is a list of actual tasks the junior partner gave me last week at work:
Sunday, March 12, 2006Put On Your Shit Kickers And Kick Some Shit
Any night you hear:
"Do you still have your boots on!?!"
It was a good night.
Saturday, March 11, 2006Itchy Trigger Finger But A Stable Turntable
I left work early yesterday and went home to make pierogi with my mother. I make the cheese pierogi (farmer cheese - divine) and she makes onion and sauerkraut pierogi (a waste of my wonderful dough).
While I was sealing my pierogi with egg wash and a pastry brush, I remembered that my mom used to make them for me as a child.
I said, "Hey, you've never owned a pastry brush in your life. How did you used to seal these with egg wash?"
She replied in the patronizing tone I've learned so well, "We didn't need fancy tools when we were young, we used our finger. Go ahead, try using your finger, you can do it."
One particular finger came to mind.
Friday, March 10, 2006I Told You Not To Use Lifebuoy
I keep a can of Red Bull in the glove compartment of my Jeep. Sometimes I drive home late and I like to have it there in case I get tired.
Yesterday I was traveling for work and got out of my meeting early. I decided to stop for a slice of pizza somewhere in central New Jersey. I decided to be adventurous and get a slice of their "house specialty" pie.
I took the first bite of my slice as I was driving away. The pizza was so bad I had to pull over the Jeep, spit it out the window, and pop open the Red Bull just to get the taste out of my mouth.
When you need a Red Bull to erase a worse taste, you know it's bad. It's like saying, "This cookie tastes horrible, quick -- come in my mouth."
Thursday, March 09, 2006Who's House?
My cousin asked if I could work on her divorce.
"The marriage was all wrong from the start," she said "Next time I'm going to have Reverend Run perform the ceremony."
Wednesday, March 08, 2006We Don't Need No Water Let The Motherfucker Burn
The Girl made me some fruit salad to take to work. She knows how much I enjoy my fruit salad and it was a sweet gesture.
But she included diced ginger in the fruit salad.
She called me at work to see how I liked it. I told her that it was so bad that I had to set it on fire and bury the ashes deep in the ground behind my building because I was afraid that if I just threw it out, a homeless person or wild animal could potentially take it from the trash and eat it.
Women say they want honesty in a relationship, but they really don't.
Tuesday, March 07, 2006When It Comes To Doing Nothing - Hey, I'm Really In The Know
My legal recruiter called me yesterday and apologized that the company I really want to work for still hasn't gotten back to her.
They've had my resume for a month.
I said, "Hey, maybe the fact that they can't get their ass in gear is a good sign. Maybe I really want to work for a company like Kruger Industrial Smoothing."
Monday, March 06, 2006I Got The Right Temperature To Shelter You From The Storm
This was a weekend of firsts for the new Girl and I:
Nancy put it into perspective. "Molten chocolate cake?" She turned to Kristin, "Didn't I get that last time we went to Applebees?"
Sunday, March 05, 2006Cause The Music Is Loud Like An Electric Shock
I was waiting in line in a deli yesterday when I spotted an electric bug zapper DIRECTLY OVER sandwich preparation area. It didn't seem to bother the patrons.
I have never been so happy to have selected Twinkies for lunch.
Saturday, March 04, 2006Purple Haze All Around
Last night I came home from work with a few bags of groceries and asked my mom, "Hey, where are the smoke alarms in this joint?"
If you've never blackened anything before, it creates a LOT of smoke.
I broke out the cast iron skillet, set up a box fan, opened the windows, and made some outstanding blackened catfish, mashed potatoes, and cornbread. (Dayment's recipe: one bag of Jiffy, one small can of creamed corn, and a half stick of melted butter -- TRUST ME.)
My father came home as I was carrying my still-smoking skillet out the back door of the house into the snow.
He looked at the smoking pan, the smoke billowing out the kitchen window, and then back at me in bewilderment. I said cheerfully, "Dinner's almost ready!"
Friday, March 03, 2006I'm Praying For The End Of Time
When you learn that your new girl made a twenty-dollar bet with her friend in the bar the night you met that she would never sleep with you, it tends to put a damper on things.
Thursday, March 02, 2006
Young Skinhead, They Call You Hooligan
Last night I took the girl to see Dropkick Murphys, an Irish punk band, with my friends. There were skinheads. There were kilts. There were step dancers. There were bagpipes.
And I screamed along to every song.
She said she had a good time, but I'm sure she's on the phone with her friends right now saying, "I don't know if I can be with a guy who wants to wear a kilt to his wedding."
Wednesday, March 01, 2006And If You Pull My Card You Pull The Ace
A few years ago I worked for one of the biggest firms in the country. Yes, I worked insane hours for assholes.
But this week when I found an old leather business card holder in one of my old suits, I pulled out five of my business cards from my old firm and was able to fill that space with ELEVEN cards from my new firm.