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Pushing 30.
Dating.
Running.
Practicing law.
Saving for culinary school.

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Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Yo Eazy, Why You Wear Your Pants Like That?
WHEW

The door to the waiting room opens right in front of the receptionist's window. "I'm here to pick up some test results under the name 'Fresh Pepper.'"

I turned around and saw a room full of people staring at me.

I sat down and started reading a magazine. I realized that when a man walks into a crowded waiting room in a doctor's office and asks for test results under a fake name, it is pretty interesting. I wondered how I could give everyone in there some closure to the story.

Last week the girl asked when I was last tested. Even though I'm not exactly "high-risk," it's been a while. And who uses dental dams?

A moment later, the receptionist called me and handed me a folded sheet of paper. I opened it up and looked at it right there in the waiting room, put both fists in the air, and walked out.

Monday, February 27, 2006

The Beating Of Our Hearts Is The Only Sound

I think this conversation from my date this past weekend shows that I have met a pretty good match:

Girl: Thank you for the roses!
Fresh: Is pink ok? I know there is a color code for roses and different colors mean different things, but I don't know any of them. For all I know pink can mean that I really want anal --
Girl: Fresh?
Fresh: Yeah?
Girl: Shut up now.
Fresh: Ok.

Sunday, February 26, 2006

These G-Unit Girls Just Want To Have Fun

Yesterday the new girl wanted to go ice skating in Central Park for our second date.

She wore a tight midriff-revealing sweater and tight jeans. She looked incredible. Some guy actually skated into me because he was so busy checking her out.

She was impressed with my skating skills. "Is there anything you're bad at?"

"Oh yes," I said. "You'll find out if we go out a third time."

Saturday, February 25, 2006

Hasta La Vista, Baby

It's time for some career advice from Fresh Pepper!

If you're talking to your boss around four p.m. on a Friday, the answer to:

"Make sure you talk to me before you leave tonight."

is NOT:

"I'm doing that right now."

Friday, February 24, 2006

If You've Got To Be A Monkey, Be A Gorilla

Since my nephew was born, my sister-in-law has been teaching him basic sign language. For many months she would look at him, make a sign and say the meaning of the sign while he stared blankly at her as if she were insane.

Of course, my extended family found this extremely comical and mocked the entire process -- because that's what we do in my family.

My nephew is now about sixteen months old and actually makes the signs for "drink," "food," and "more." It's really quite impressive.

I expected my sister-in-law to make a big "I told you so" speech at our last family gathering. But before she could do that, my cousin started calling the baby "Koko the monkey."

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Write A Rhyme Quick When I Pull Out My Bic

At any given time, I have about 10 or 20 Post-it notes on my desk with things that have to get done. I also occasionally read a word or phrase somewhere that I want to look up, so I write it down on a note.

Yesterday a partner was in my office giving me a lecture about my work habits.

Partner: What are all these notes for?
Fresh: It's just some stuff I have to take care of.
Partner: What does that one say?
Fresh: It says, "Sherry custard tart with pecan tuiles"
Partner: ...
Fresh: ...

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Suckers Break Like Turbo and Ozone

I've been going to the same record store for over a year now and have grown to love the staff recommendations wall. They introduced me to the Budos Band, Bad Manners, Keith Hudson, the General Elektriks, and Stromba. The white girl with dreadlocks has yet to steer me wrong.

Yesterday I walked in and laughed for five straight minutes when I saw that the soundtrack to "Wild Style" was on the recommendations wall. I said, "What's next? The soundtrack to Breakin'?"

The owner looked at me in all seriousness and said, "That's a seriously good CD and considering what you usually buy, I'm really surprised you don't own it."

I stopped laughing and sheepishly bought it like a scalded schoolboy.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Listen Dana Dane I Think I Have The Cure

Friend: Didn't you go to therapy after your last breakup?
Fresh: Yeah, but I stopped going. She was a terrible therapist.
Friend: How do you know?
Fresh: After three sessions, she told me that I really didn't need therapy.
Friend: Wow, she WAS terrible.

Monday, February 20, 2006

Still It's a Real Good Bet The Best Is Yet To Come

The location of your first kiss is important.

My first kiss after law school was in the back of a cab. It was nice, but we never really looked back and said, "Wow, remember that time in 1H45?"

After that, I always made an effort to make that first kiss somewhere meaningful and romantic. My first kisses since then have been on the walkway on the middle of the Brooklyn Bridge, in the center of Times Square (right in front of Father Duffy!), and the 30th Street Station in Philly.

But Saturday night topped them all. Saturday night I had a first date with a hot girl that I really dig. I took her out to my favorite French restaurant for an astounding six-course meal (with wine pairings, of course) and then whisked her off to the Top of the Rock late at night. We shared our first kiss on top of the greatest city in the world.

The city was glittering; the sky was clear; and the Empire State Building was lit up red, white, and blue.

I thought that I had planned everything perfectly, but I didn't take into account that at 11:00 at night, it was SIX FUCKING DEGREES up there. So although it was passionate, it was a brief kiss.

Sunday, February 19, 2006

I'm The One, Natural One, Make It Easy
Yes, those are golden raspberries because I totally rock and shit

I got in late last night and had to assemble some fruit tarts this morning because it was my mom's birthday and THAT'S ALL SHE WANTED.

I was throwing a fit because the raspberries I bought were mostly shit and the blueberries were all different sizes, making them unattractive in my beautiful tarts.

My mom interrupted my stream of obscenities with, "The blueberries are different sizes because that's how nature works."

If it wasn't her birthday, I would have stabbed her with my Wüsthof.

Then she started reading the newspaper aloud: houses for sale.

Saturday, February 18, 2006

Angel Is The Centerfold

Since my buddy pink gave up his blog, I'll share some of the recent conversations I have had with him.

Never go to pink for consoling:

Pink: So the girl is gone for good. Did you at least get any naked pictures of her?
Fresh: No, I didn't.
Pink: Well, I'll make you a copy of the ones she gave me.

Never go to pink for relationship advice:

Fresh: I don't know what I'm doing wrong.
Pink: Just tell the girl on the first date that you're willing to lick her ass. Make sure to tell her that she has to shower first: you're not into scat, but you know what feels good.

Friday, February 17, 2006

I'm Into Having Sex, I Ain't Into Making Love

My friend Princess knows nothing about men. We get along well because I know nothing about women and we constantly marvel at each other's idiocy.

Princess: I'm hanging out with a guy friend from law school tonight.
Fresh: Looking to rekindle an old flame?
Princess: No, his wife just left him because she found out about his girlfriend and then his girlfriend left him the next day.
Fresh: He wants to have sex with you.
Princess: No, he needs someone to talk to.
Fresh: He wants to have sex with you.
Princess: He just needs some support right now, he's been through a lot.
Fresh: No, he wants to have sex with you. Men don't need talking or support.
Princess: I'm going to an engagement party with him as friends.
Fresh: He wants to have sex with you. Bring condoms, he sounds dirty.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

I Bet You Want The Goodies, Bet You Thought About It

I have had a full candy dish on my desk ever since I started as an attorney. I usually keep it full of Starbursts since they're kosher and not made on diary equipment, so everyone can enjoy some candy.

This week, I filled it with Hershey's miniatures.

File clerk: Wow, you have chocolate this week?

Fresh: Yeah, well, with the money I saved on not having a girlfriend on Valentine's day, I figured I would upgrade to chocolate for y'all.

File clerk: And all you could afford was Hershey's? Maybe that's why you don't have a girlfriend.

Fresh: Yeah, thanks.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

In The Midnight Hour I Can Feel Your Power

Partner: Hey, did you get that letter?
Fresh: Yeah, I have it right here, I'll write an e-mail before I leave tonight.
Partner: Can you work on it now?
Fresh: Well, the e-mail is going to Tokyo and it's like 1 am there, so I have some time. I'll make sure to do it before I leave tonight. I'm trying to finish this other thing first.
Partner: I really need you to work on that right away.
Fresh: Ok... I'll get it out right now.
Partner: Great!
Fresh: ??

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Days Go By And Still I Think Of You

I spoke to the ex yesterday. I asked if we could arrange a friends-with-benefits scenario. She politely declined.

Fresh: But seriously, I'm never going to have sex ever again for the rest of my life.
Ex: Sure you will. You're very charming. You're just an asshole.

Monday, February 13, 2006

It's A Hell Of A Town
Shhhh, it's in the late 60's off Columbus

SCENE 1: Yesterday morning, about 9 am:

Fresh: There must be a foot and-a-half of snow out there.
Dad: Yep.
Fresh: You think they will cancel the ballet? I have expensive tickets.
Dad: Nah.
Fresh: Think the trains and ferry are running?
Dad: Yeah, I'm sure they are.
Fresh: I fucking LOVE this city.

SCENE 2: Yesterday afternoon, right after a superb ballet:

Nutmeg: This is really good pizza, what is this place called?
Fresh: It doesn't have a name. There's not even a sign outside. There's only a tiny sign in the window that says, "Pizza." It's a secret pizza place with fantastic crust.
Nutmeg: I fucking LOVE this city.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Limos, Arenas, and TV Shows

Yesterday was a busy day. After waking up to find that the pie I had baked the night before had been violated (said my mom, "I couldn't help it: the whole house smelled like pie") I took off for Manhattan where I took in a Broadway show, saw this lovely lady play in her orchestra, and then went on a pub crawl across the Upper West Side with my friends Princess and Fluff.

In one bar, I thought I was getting along well with a beautiful tall girl. After we talked for a few minutes, she asked if I had a card on me. I thought, "Wow, this hot girl is actually going to call ME!"

Then she said, "You're a character, you would be perfect for this reality show I'm trying to cast."

Saturday, February 11, 2006

I Can't Forget The Day I Shot That Bad Bitch Down

At lunch yesterday we were discussing the extradition of the guy who is accused of shooting his wife and 9-month-old daughter.

"I just don't get it," said my buddy Gamera, loyal husband and father of two. "Why would you shoot your daughter?"

Friday, February 10, 2006

Life Used To Be So Hard

I've been living with my parents for over a year now after moving back home from Manhattan. It actually has been a really great time and I highly recommend moving back home to everyone looking to save some money.

Here are some tips for moving back home:

1. Do your own laundry. This was a no-brainer for me since my mother was never good at doing laundry and managed to ruin all of my favorite clothes as a child. I didn't even know what Woolite was until college.

2. Buy your own groceries. Treat your parents like roommates. I even buy my own milk. It avoids situations like, "Who ate the last of the butter and didn't tell me?"

3. Don't talk to your parents. This is easier if you have a separate entrance into the house. Communicating with your parents in any way will only lead you to therapy. Luckily, I discovered early on that my parents didn't want to talk to me either, so everybody's happy.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Sicker Than Your Average

I took my mom to see Brokeback Mountain last night.

Mom: If they were so lonely up on the mountain, why didn't they just have sex with the sheep?

Fresh: I don't think they were lonely, I think they were in love. I think you may have missed the entire point of the movie.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Let's Go Somewhere And Get It On Tonight

A friend of mine told me to check out eHarmony.com because it's supposed to be a really great dating service.

As soon as you bring up their web site, they show you a stream of couples that have all met on eHarmony and have since gotten married.

Joshua & Deborah: Married May 29, 2005
Alfie and Leon: Married Oct 9, 2004
Christy and Mike: Married May 14, 2005

That's all very nice, but I may have signed up if I had seen something like this: "Jack & Diane: met on eHarmony, went out for bad Chinese food and then had crazy uninhibited sex for 12 hours all over Diane's apartment in every conceivable position while she screamed like a lunatic and after that night they never spoke again."

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Touched For The Very First Time

I recently viewed a movie in which a beautiful young couple professed their everlasting love for each other and expressed excitement at their first time sleeping together. It was their wedding night and they were both virgins. It was very romantic.

After watching the scene, I realized their first lovemaking session was slightly different than my first time. I prepared a chart detailing some of the differences.

	Their First Time	My First Time
Fellatio	Yes	No
Cunnilingus	Yes	No
Doggie Style	Yes	No
Spooning Position	Yes	No
Missionary	No	Yes
Scarred Nipples	Yes	No
Drunk Participants	Maybe	Yes
Male Orgasm	Yes	Yes
Female Orgasm	Multiple	Probably Not

Monday, February 06, 2006

The Back Of The Club, Mackin' Hos, My Crew's Behind Me

Yesterday when a very attractive girl asked me if that was my camera on the bar in a transparent attempt to strike up a conversation with me, I decided to take the opportunity to show her all of the pictures of the blueberry pie that I had made earlier in the day.

Can I actually be getting WORSE at this?

Sunday, February 05, 2006

Sweeter Than A Cherry Pie With Reddi-Wip Topping

Last night I made dinner for my parents, brothers, and a few friends. I made pork tenderloin over spaghetti squash with pommes anna on the side. For dessert I made a chocolate pecan pie. I even used Callebaut chocolate for the pie, which was quite good.

The dinner was decent, the pie was excellent. The entire meal and the pie were a blatant reminder that I took a pastry class, not a culinary class.

But you would never know from my mother. Since she stopped cooking a few years back, whenever I cook anything at all she acts like I multiplied loaves and fishes.

Saturday, February 04, 2006

But We Ain't Come Here To Start No Drama

Last night in the supermarket:

Fresh: That chick near the pineapples is HOT.
Fresh's Mom: That chick has Similac in her basket.
Fresh: Good eye.

Friday, February 03, 2006

Working For The Weekend

True to my promise to myself after my shoddy raise in December, I have not worked any nights or weekends in two months. I also took 6 days off in December and 2 in January.

But I was thinking of working this weekend.

Fingers: You CAN'T work the weekends. That's part of the bargained-for exchange: they pay you a suburban salary, you have to work suburban hours.

Fresh: I know, but I have nothing to do on weekends. You don't know what it's like to wake up on Saturday morning with nothing to do and nobody who wants to fuck you.

Fingers: Dude, I've been married 6 years. I know EXACTLY what that's like.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

So Sexy It Hurts

The firm sent an e-mail around to everyone saying that a photographer would be walking around yesterday taking candid shots of people for our web site. The e-mail asked that we dress well and clean up our offices a bit.

Then 10 minutes later they sent another e-mail to "a random group" of attorneys saying that they should wear suits because they would be likely be featured in the candid shots.

The "random group" just happened to consist of the tall, slender female associate with long hair and the Dan Cortese lookalike associate in the office next to me.

I wasn't in the "random group."

As if my self esteem wasn't bad enough, I had to be told that I'm not in the top five most attractive associates in this animal shelter of a firm.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Don't Think Twice, Don't Think Twice

Five things that happened during our date which probably explain why the girl I took out last week hasn't returned my e-mails or phone call:

(1) I went into a ten-minute soliloquy as to why "Billie Jean" is the best song ever made. (lunatic!)

(2) I told her I took a week-long pastry class (gay!)

(3) When she asked if I had been to this restaurant before, I told her that I often take my mom there (mama's boy!)

(4) I told her I live in my parents' basement (loser!)

(5) When she said that she would smack me if I got her job wrong again, I asked her if she was into bondage (pervert!)

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