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Tuesday, November 22, 2005

• I live in my parents' basement,
• I run a web site, and
• I've been having trouble trying to figure out what size I wear in women's clothes.

Monday, November 21, 2005

I Cut So Much, You Thought I Was a DJ

I was washing dishes yesterday morning when I broke a glass an cut my hand open.

It was clear that I needed stitches.

But I had lunch plans with my buddies pink and fluff in Manhattan in only a few hours. A trip to the hospital didn't fit in. So I just added more and more layers of medical tape until blood stopped seeping out.

In Times Square I agitated the injury when I reached in my pocket to pull out some cash for a Coke from a street vendor. It started to bleed again.

So I'm waiting in line in Duane Reade in Times Square to buy medical tape and gauze while two Norwegian tourists in front of me tried to pay for their two bottles of water in CHANGE -- change that they couldn't count because they didn't know what any of it was. The clerk was helping by pointing out which change was actually American. Then I noticed that I was dripping blood all over the floor.

Still, it was one of my better outings to Duane Reade.

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Sunday, November 20, 2005

While The Sticky Food's Steaming Your Mind Starts To Dreaming

Last night I roasted a chicken with potatoes for dinner. I thought it would be a good way to kick off Thanksgiving week.

It was the first time I broke out my digital probe thermometer. My father was fascinated; he asked three times, "So, you just leave it in the oven the whole time?"

My parents aren't big on kitchen gadgets. They didn't even own a whisk when I moved in. Sometimes when I cook for them I feel like I'm a pilgrim teaching the Indians how to use basic cooking tools.

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Saturday, November 19, 2005

Go Greased Lightning

I needed to get my oil changed yesterday so my buddy convinced me to go to the service station he uses so we could keep each other company while our oil was changed.

He said, "If they offer to replace your 4-Wheel Drive differential fluid, don't do it. I brought my Blazer in here over the summer and the entire 4-Wheel drive system failed a week later."

This, as my Jeep was on the lift.

"Then why are we here?"

He replied, "Because I have a three-dollar coupon."

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Friday, November 18, 2005

My Man MCA's Got A Beard Like A Billy Goat

Two weeks ago I stopped shaving.

I saw some Jake Plummer highlights or some Johnny Damon free agency rumors and I just decided that I'm never going to cut my hair or shave ever again.

Those guys look like shit, but they walk around with such attitude that it doesn't even matter. It's as if they're saying to the world, "Yeah, I look sloppy, but I'm so damned good at what I do that it doesn't even matter what I look like. You want to fuck me anyway."

That's what I wanted my look to say.

But I ended up looking more like Kevin Federline. All my look says is, "I'm complete white trash."

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Thursday, November 17, 2005

No Camera, But Lots Of Action

It's time for a Fresh Pepper product review!

I bought the Samsumg Digimax 402 because it was small and I like to carry my camera everywhere. But it was the worst camera I have ever owned and here's why:

1. The switch to distinguish between "close-up" (meaning blurry) and "landscape" (meaning slightly less blurry) was located on the FRONT of the camera. When you asked someone to take a picture for you, you inevitable saw their finger slip over the front of the camera and change the setting as you were smiling or licking or whatever.

2. The camera claims to be a color camera but really only captured shades of brown and gray. All of the pictures looked like they were taken in a quarry. On a cloudy day.

3. The camera says 4.0 MegaPixels but if you print 4x6 photos, they had mosaics worse than Japanese porn.

And here's a tip: if you decide to take an ax to your old camera, make sure you take the expensive memory card out first.

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Wednesday, November 16, 2005

That's Why I Found You Don't Play Around With The Funky Cold Medina

You wake up at 1 in the morning feeling like ass and you figure, "Well, if I only have a half dose of NyQuil, I'll sleep until 6 and wake up feeling great, right?"

WRONG. You'll wake up at 9 feeling like shit.

I wish I could learn that there is a zone of opportunity for NyQuil that ends at 10 pm.

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Tuesday, November 15, 2005

I Realize Now That I Was Wrong

So the Girl finally listed some reasons as to why she left me. I have to be honest, she had a pretty strong case.

Many years ago I dated a fellow law student who told me, "You know, when I tell you I'm upset about something, you try to argue with me as to why I shouldn't be upset. But the fact is -- I'm upset. You need to listen, accept, and try not to upset me in the future, even if it doesn't make any sense. You can't convince me not to be upset." (Emphasis original.)

This has been a problem for me. I'm not good at this. But I didn't realize I was doing it with the Girl until it was too late

Examples abound:

The answer to "Stop looking at that girl" is NOT "I was not looking at that girl" but IS "ok" regardless of whether you were actually looking at that girl.

The answer to "Stop writing about me on the blog" is NOT "but it's funny" but IS "ok" regardless of whether it's funny.

If this were a comparative negligence jurisdiction, I estimate that the breakup would be 63% my fault.

So today, I am going to take a huge step toward bettering myself. Air your greivances in the comments. I will listen and accept.

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Monday, November 14, 2005

No Time For Hibernation, Only Elation

Since I'm 29 and it recently became obvious that I was going to spend the rest of my life alone, I decided to have an early midlife crisis.

What to do? The Jeep is already a convertible and I already have a tattoo (got the tattoo for my last midlife crisis).

So I went out and bought a mountain bike.

Because I'm taking some time off from running (knee problems) it's nice to have something that gets me out in the open air. I really enjoy it.

But I just don't feel like the midlife crisis is complete until I buy some lame cyclist clothes and learn the lingo.

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Sunday, November 13, 2005

Run In A Gun Fight With Nothing But A Knife

I made a cheesecake last night and brought it to my grandmother's today. It was in my Kaiser springform pan and I didn't want to cut it with a sharp knife for fear of damaging my beautiful pan.

I asked if she had something plastic or rubber to cut the cake.

She smiled, opened a drawer full of plastic cutlery, and produced a plastic knife from Wendy's -- still in the plastic wrapper.

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First I Ate The Chicken And Then I Ate His Leg

Last night my younger brother and I made Creamy Peanut Chicken Stew. It was a wonderful Indian dish that didn't photograph well but tasted delicious.

I had never cooked Indian food before. I commented as to how the garam masala worked so well with the cayenne pepper. My father agreed as he doused the entire meal in Frank's Red Hot Sauce.

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Saturday, November 12, 2005

The One Who Knows About Things That Make You Get Weary

My dad is pretty good with tools. He used to be a plumber and an electrician.

But we're in the process of putting laminate floors in one room -- a product that didn't even exist 20 years ago when he learned all of his skills.

He said, "I'll just ask the guy in the store what I need." My dad is used to the days of mom-and-pop hardware stores that are staffed with skilled employees. Unfortunately, all of these stores were run out of business by Home Depot where I live.

So, how was my dad's trip to Home Depot?

He came back frustrated and said to me, "The employees in Home Depot don't know the difference between a finishing nail and a piece of plywood."

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Friday, November 11, 2005

The Sounds of Silence

I haven't heard from the Girl in about a week. She stopped answering phone calls and stopped responding to e-mails without any obvious triggering event.

Then yesterday my cast iron pan that I left in her apartment arrived in the mail.

Do you know how much you have to hate someone to pay the postage for a 10" cast iron pan instead of dropping it off? Or tell me to come pick it up?

Somebody paid a ton of money to never have to speak to me again.

I've been through plenty of breakups, but that's a first. I must be getting
worse at dating.

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Thursday, November 10, 2005

Your Daughter's Tied Up In a Brooklyn Basement

Some guy with a thick Brooklyn accent called me at work yesterday.

Guy: Hey, I'm looking for an attorney to attend to some criminal defense matters.
Fresh: Sorry, I really only practice patent law.
Guy: That's funny, I wonder how your name got on this list. Ok, thanks. Bye.

And he hung up before I could ask him what list he was looking at.

I hope it was a list of the sexiest attorneys in America.

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Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Nobody Was Looking, I Was Thinking Of You

I went to my first physical therapy session for my wrist yesterday. While the therapist was measuring my complete lack of flexibility, I looked around the room at all of the toys and tools she had.

I spotted a Hitachi Magic Wand!

I exclaimed, "Wow, you have a Magic Wand! I didn't realize people actually used those for.. ah... like real... you know... stuff."

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Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Bounce With Me Now Shorty Let's Get Into It

I was watching the news this morning before heading off to the poles and a reporter was interviewing a lady on the street about one of the referenda on the ballot. The lady's opinion seemed reasonable until her elocution was interrupted by her cell phone with a 50 Cent ringtone.

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Monday, November 07, 2005

To Burn My Kingdom, You Must Use Fire


I made a chocolate pound cake in my Bundt pan yesterday and brought it to my grandmother's. After that, I didn't leave my room for the rest of the day.

A few years ago, Microsoft sent me a letter saying that my Xbox may go on fire at random. I ignored the letter. They sent another one last year, and I ignored that one too.

Last month, they actually sent me a new power supply for my Xbox that will not go on fire. And while Halo 2 was loading yesterday, I looked at the new power supply and briefly thought about taking it out of the box it was mailed in.

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Sunday, November 06, 2005

Don't Sweat The Technique

I made fried pork chops, mashed potatoes, steamed asparagus, and homemade applesauce for dinner last night.

My father put all of the food on his plate and then got up and put it into the microwave. I asked if his pork chop was undercooked (of course it was not).

He said, "No, I just wanted to microwave the asparagus so the butter will melt on it."

Mind you, the asparagus was plenty hot. He just put a half-stick of butter on it. And if I had gotten up as a child to microwave something that he had cooked, he probably would have kicked my ass.

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Saturday, November 05, 2005

I Specialize In Making All The Girls Get Naked

My buddy Gargoyle was telling me yesterday that he enjoyed my post about having a "fun size" penis.

Gargoyle: And the best thing is, only like 7 people know whether it's true or not.

Fresh: Seven? Wow, you estimate I've only had sex with 7 women?

Gargoyle: Actually, I counted your parents in there because I figured they would know from when you were a baby.

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Friday, November 04, 2005

Keep Me Rockin' All Of The Time

My younger brother makes fun of me because I order the house red wine and swirl it in the glass.

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Thursday, November 03, 2005

To A Degree That You Can't Get In College

I got my high school alumni newsletter in the mail yesterday and discovered that two of my old high school buddies recently got married.

Now, this may surprise you -- but I was kind of in the nerdy group at high school.

So I looked up their wedding announcements online. One of them didn't go to college and is in the Navy. The other didn't go to college and works in an auto parts store. There is nothing wrong with those jobs, but I expected them to pursue much different paths.

I told this to my mother and I voiced my disappointment. "They were such bright guys, I wonder what happened?"

My mother said, "Don't feel bad for them. They probably have a better life than you."

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Wednesday, November 02, 2005

After The Party, It's the Hotel Lobby

I ended my birthday road trip with a weekend in a beachfront hotel in Cape May, which is a lovely town at the southern tip of New Jersey.

The shops were lovely, the food was excellent, and the beach was very relaxing.

But the Girl and I were the youngest people in town by about 50 years. It is a great place to make you feel young.

It is not a great place to hope to meet an attractive girl at the hotel bar and get a few drinks into your girl in order to suggest a birthday threesome.

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Tuesday, November 01, 2005

I Touch The Right Spot At The Right Time

The second stop on my birthday road trip was the Cape May Zoo.

When we walked into the House of Birds, a crow squawked at us. He was in a cage close to the entrance. I asked him what he wanted and he rubbed his head against the bars. I leaned in close to the cage and started scratching his feathers. I noticed that he was molting.

When birds molt, their new feathers grow in under thin, plastic-like sheaths. Scratching a molting bird helps the feathers come out and provides great relief for the bird.

So I spent 10 minutes scratching the crow. He closed his eyes and moved his whole body against the bars of his cage.

The Girl freaked out. She thought (1) he was going to bite me, and (2) I was sure to catch some horrible disease from this bird that I would pass to her. I heard her mumble the words "bird flu."

I gave some serious thought as to why I attract hypochondriacs. I think it's because I am so unattractive that they think, "This guy must be disease-free, I bet NOBODY has fucked him."

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