*** abandoned ***
Saving for culinary school.
Monday, October 31, 2005Let Freedom Ring
The first stop on my birthday road trip was the Liberty Bell in Philadelphia. I've never seen it and it though it would be fun.
I spent 15 minutes getting through an airport-style security checkpoint.
For what? To see some bell? Even if I had a gun, what exactly would I do to the bell?
The entire city block was a maze of those pleasant metal barricades we've grown accustomed to. We celebrated our liberty by walking though a metal maze, emptying our pockets, and getting wanded to see some ugly fucking bell.
Sunday, October 30, 2005Like You Just Don't Care
The 50-year-old waitress last night leaned over to get something off our table and her pendant fell out of her shirt.
It said, "WHO GIVES A SHIT."
It was clear from her demeanor that she did not.
It was clear from the tip I left that I did not.
Saturday, October 29, 2005She Got The Moon In Her Eye
It's time for some vacation advice from Fresh Pepper:
If you're on a lame ghost tour in a small New England town and the tour guide says, "Look, is that a witch I see?"
The correct answer is NOT:
"Hey, that's my girlfriend!"
Friday, October 28, 2005I'll Take You To The Candy Shop
I realized something while shopping for Halloween candy: all these years I thought my penis was small, but it's actually "Fun Size!"
Thursday, October 27, 2005Can't Do The Things I Used To
I turn 29 today.
I hurt my knee a few weeks ago and consequently I haven't been running every day. When I take time off from running, I usually turn to lifting weights but since I still can't put any pressure on my recently broken wrist, I haven't really been able to lift either.
I'm (1) losing my mind, (2) gaining weight at a fast pace, and (3) becoming an alcoholic.
I expressed my frustration to the Girl. I told her that I feel old.
She said, "You know, Rocky did one-handed pushups."
Wednesday, October 26, 2005Cash Rules Everything Around Me
A partner yesterday asked if I was still living with my parents.
Fresh: Yeah, I'm waiting to see what kind of raise you guys give me this year, I might move back to Manhattan. A lot of firms are hiring.
Partner: You know, you'll never get the quality of work there that you get here.
Fresh: I agree with you, but 'quality of work' isn't buying me a house.
Tuesday, October 25, 2005You Can't Have Me -- I'm Too Young For You, Miss
I took the girl to see "In Her Shoes" last night.
Yeah, I did something wrong and had to go see a romantic comedy. But that's another story.
When we got to the theater, there was a bus in front that was unloading seniors from the senior citizens' home. They bought 18 tickets for "In Her Shoes."
When you see a busload of senior citizens buying tickets for the movie you came to see, you know you're in for a good time.
Monday, October 24, 2005Five Carats On My Hand With The Cuts
I made the ugliest carrot cake in the history of universe.
The plan was to make a big carrot cake, apply white frosting, then make some green and orange frosting to decorate the cake with little carrots.
Then I realized that cream cheese frosting doesn't really work well with a pastry bag. After a few failed attempts at decoration, I took the butter knife and just blended it all together into one big mess.
As my grandmother was eating it, I tried to explain why the frosting was three different colors. She smiled, looked at the cake and said, "What colors?"
I love my grandmother. She's just happy that somebody else is cooking.
Sunday, October 23, 2005Fuck The Straight Henny, Just Grab Me A Beer
I'm supposed to have a drink with my older brother today.
Last time we spent time together, he got drunk and told me:
Saturday, October 22, 2005I'm Never Off, Always On, To The Break Of Dawn
Here's how my hellacious week at work went:
It was a week of (mostly) unfounded criticism. It must be near bonus season!
Friday, October 21, 2005My Crew Do Drugs Duane Reade Couldn't Breathe
A friend sent me an e-mail asking what she should make for her son's bake sale. He's in first grade. I wrote back suggesting pot brownies.
She replied, "What are pot brownies? Are they easy to make? My husband loves brownies."
I wrote her the following recipe:
Buy the cheapest brownie mix you can find. Think America's Choice, not Betty Crocker. Buy a disposable pan. I cannot emphasize this enough! You will lose any pan that you bake them in. If the recipe calls for milk or butter, just use water instead. Before the mixture is poured into the pan, add a large bag of marijuana. Serve with milk and Phish.
Thursday, October 20, 2005Don't Speak
It's time for more relationship advice from Fresh Pepper!
The answer to:
"You know what the key to a good relationship is?"
Wednesday, October 19, 2005Get Crazy With The Cheese Whiz
I went to a deposition in Philadelphia yesterday.
I spent 10 minutes explaining the differences between all of the cheese steak places to opposing counsel before he told me that he kept kosher (no meat and dairy in same meal). His name was Seth and he took off the last two weeks, you would think that I could have figured that out.
I quickly returned to staring at the stenographer. Such beautiful, strong hands.
Tuesday, October 18, 2005Don't You Dare Stare, You Better Move
When they feel that they have been wronged, the Italians on Staten Island like to pull in front of you on the highway and slam on their brakes. This makes you slam on your brakes and I guess it makes them happy.
The cars, without fail, always have three common characteristics:
an Italian flag reflector on the trunk,
a gold or silver license plate frame, and
a broken tail light.
To the Italians: if you want to continue this practice, that's fine.
But if I rear end you, I'm going to pull you from the wreckage, beat you to within an inch of your life, and mess up your hair.
And once I get your identity on the accident report, I'm going to fuck your Italian princess girlfriend in her velour track suit, your mother with the horrible rust-colored dye job, and your overtanned little sister wearing nothing but her nameplate necklace.
Then I'm going to stick an Irish flag on the back of your car. Up Cork, motherfucker.
Monday, October 17, 2005Five Plus Fives, Who Drive Millenniums
On a weekly basis, I tell the Girl that I love her and that she's beautiful. I notice when she changes her hair or puts on a sexy outfit. I comment on her feminine mannerisms and praise her witticisms.
But yesterday when the woman in Ann Taylor said, "Let me check the back for your size, you look like a two" the Girl thought it was the best thing she's ever heard in HER LIFE.
Saturday, October 15, 2005Food Everywhere, As If The Party Was Catered
The Girl doesn't like to order too much food at a restaurant because she feels guilty if she can't finish it.
Last night I said, "This is America. We're not supposed to finish our meals, this is the land of excess! If those starving people in other areas of the world want to eat, they should have been born into a middle class family in the suburbs and become a mediocre success like me. Now order."
Friday, October 14, 2005I'll Take A Muscle Bound Man And Put His Face In The Sand
My sister-in-law brought over her wedding video last night. I was the best man.
I had forgotten that at the reception when I was introduced, I twisted my hand around a few times and put it to my ear in a loving tribute to Hulk Hogan.
And yet, I still ended up bagging one of the bridesmaids.
Thursday, October 13, 2005I'll Be Drivin' a Caddy, You'll Be Fixin' a Ford
I've been bringing the Jeep to Jiffy Lube every 3,000 miles since I bought it. It recently hit 15,000 and I decided it was time to bring it in for the "factory maintenance" so I brought it back to the dealer.
As far as I can tell, they just did the same thing as Jiffy Lube but they charged me 600 bucks for it.
I've never owned a car before, so I wasn't aware that "dealer service" actually means "anally rape my bank account."
Wednesday, October 12, 2005I Love The Power of Words, Nouns And Verbs
A partner gave me an agreement to review last night. He also gave me the following instructions:
"I want you to really read this carefully. This is important! I want you to think about every word. If you see the word 'cocksucker' I want you to seriously think about what that word could mean."
Tuesday, October 11, 2005Explain To Me Really What Doctors Must Do
Since cutting off my own cast, I've decided to become an amateur doctor in my spare time.
My buddy stepped on a nail while working on his house. The nail went through his foot and came out the top. He's got a few puncture wounds and extensive bruising.
He asked me if he should get a tetanus shot because, "The nail wasn't really rusty."
I advised, "Save your co-pay. Have you ever seen anyone with lockjaw? It probably doesn't even exist! It's just something cooked up by the crooks in white jackets that want more of your money. You don't need a shot."
Monday, October 10, 2005Far Above Cayuga's Waters
I made a banana bread early Saturday morning but ran out of the secret ingredient that makes my banana bread so fantastic. The problem is I haven't seen the ingredient for sale since I left law school.
What to do? I packed up the Jeep and whisked the Girl off to upstate New York.
We stayed at the most expensive hotel and ate at the restaurants I couldn't afford in law school. And for the first time, I left that town without a bag of laundry and sub par grades.
Sunday, October 09, 2005And Then We All Switch Places When I Ring The Bell
Why is hotel sex so good?
Cleanup: You don't have to worry about washing the sheets or getting those stains off the chairs, walls, or ceiling.
Volume: You don't have to worry about the neighbors complaining to the landlord. The front desk isn't going to evict you or increase your rent.
The Balcony: Enough said.
Saturday, October 08, 2005But Our Time And Our Clothes Got To Coordinate
Last night was the annual attorney dinner for my firm. Attorneys and dates only.
The invitation said that the dress code was "casual chic."
Friday, October 07, 2005But They See A Free Individual, It's Gonna Scare 'Em
I only got three reactions from complete strangers to the pink cast:
1. At the US Open, while waiting for my date to come out of the ladies' room, two hot girls in their twenties walked by and one of them said, "I love the pink cast!" I smiled and thanked them.
2. While waiting at a stop light in Jersey, a man in his sixties pulled up next to me and said, "Is that to hide the pink daiquiris?" I have no idea what that means. I nodded politely. Then he started blowing kisses at me, much to the embarrassment of his wife.
3. While jogging along the side of the street on Staten Island, a young man who was a passenger in his friend's car shouted at the top of his lungs, "FAG!!" I gave him the [good] finger.
Overall, I'd say it was a success.
Thursday, October 06, 2005You Call Me A Skinhead, I Call You A Pinhead
I took a day off this week to wander around Manhattan so I figured I'd stop in and say hello to Israel, my old barber for the three years that I lived there.
I had the Girl with me. He smiled at her and gave her the newspaper to read.
Israel: I thought you were married to a Chinese.
Fresh: No, that was my ex-girlfriend, thanks for bringing that up.
Israel: Are you two married?
Fresh: No, we're just having a good time.
Israel: You should get married, you're wasting your time. You will marry her. She looks a lot like you. You could be brother and sister.
Fresh: Thanks, that is really disturbing.
Israel: No, people who look alike get married. Look that the picture of my wife and I, lots of people say we look alike.
Fresh: Can you take a little more off the top?
Israel: No, it's starting to thin up here, you can't cut any more off. It will look bad.
Fresh: Thanks, this has been great.
Wednesday, October 05, 2005It's Such A Shame For Us To Part
I've been a Mets fan my entire life. But as of today, I'm done with the Mets.
Two years ago when I sat in the mezzanine during a bachelor party and five of us were being leaked on by the rafters above (despite the sunny weather), we notified the stadium personnel and they said "Oh, you have the wet seats, it's been like that all season." I let it go.
Last year when the upper deck vendors ran out of mustard in the fourth inning, I just laughed.
But on Sunday during "fan appreciation day," I hit my limit. I waited on line for 15 minutes and was told when I got to the front that they had run out of hot dogs. It was the third inning. At the next vendor, they announced that they had to cook more hot dogs and they wouldn't be ready for 10 minutes.
There was a large crowd on hand for Mike Piazza's last game. The Mets were losing by 8 runs (because they SUCK) and they pull Piazza from the game in the seventh inning. What the fuck? We came to see him, why pull him from the game?
Other problems with Shea:
So good luck to the Mets. You won't have Fresh to kick around anymore.
Tuesday, October 04, 2005When My Shaolin Sword Swing
What do you do when your cast is due to come off but your doctor is on vacation all week for the holidays?
You cut it off yourself, of course!
It's good to know that even though I spend most of my time honing my baking skills, I can still operate a power tool when necessary.
The first thing I did when I got my cast off was to rub my hands together as if I were planning something very, very evil. "Now that I have two hands operable again, I will take over the world!"
Monday, October 03, 2005What Else Is In The Teaches of Peaches?
Every family has their recipe wars. In my family, it's pie crust.
My grandmother makes pie crust with butter. She doesn't measure the ingredients and claims that anyone who makes a pie crust without butter is an idiot.
My mom makes her pie crust with a combination of butter and margarine. She claims it's the "never fail" pie crust that's easy to roll and always flaky.
I make pie crust with Crisco. To me, it's not a pie unless it's got a Crisco crust.
This weekend I made a custard peach pie. The hardest part of making a pie in my family is getting yelled at as you roll out the crust. And no matter how good the pie is, you always hear, "This pie is great, but this crust is just ok."
Sunday, October 02, 2005It's Big, It's Heavy, It's Wood
Trying to sleep with a cast on your arm is like trying to sleep with a log in the bed.
Saturday, October 01, 2005Don't Call My P.O.
I got invited to a party tonight on Staten Island. You know it's going to be a good party because both Joey Wop and Joey Bodybags are on the evite.