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Pushing 30.
Dating.
Running.
Practicing law.
Saving for culinary school.

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Friday, September 30, 2005

I Always Feel Like Somebody's Watching Me

When I broke my wrist jogging in the woods, I may have been tripped.

I was looking for Heyerdahl's house.

Legend has it that Heyerdahl was an immigrant who moved to Staten Island in the early 1800s and decided to start a vineyard. He build a house on a hill and planted his crops. The poor soil on Staten Island foiled his plans and he supposedly died broke. They say he cursed the land and his ghost still haunts the woods of Heyerdahl Hill.

This guy found the ruins of his house, so I was trying to follow his directions and the park map which shows Heyerdahl Hill. I believe that the ghost of Heyerdahl may have had some hand in making me trip and fall. I failed to find his house that day.

The last thing I had to do before I got my cast off was go back and find the ruins of Heyerdahl's house. And when I found it, I gave him a pretty clear message.

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Where You Come From Is Gone

The first-year associates just started working at my firm and everywhere else around the country.

I have some advice for these new attorneys:

1. Your life is supposed to suck. Get used to it.
2. If you're a guy, you should only own one black suit and it should be a tuxedo.
3. The support staff is more powerful than the attorneys.
4. The support staff is more fun to go drinking with than the attorneys.
5. Shirts with diagonal stripes are for Webster Hall, not the law firm.
6. If you forget to do your dry cleaning, wear a sweater on top of an unpressed shirt.
7. Never comment on any pictures in a partner's office. You may think you're complimenting his daughter when in fact it's his third wife.
8. Don't tell people how busy you are. We've been there. We don't care.
9. Save as much money as you can. Don't get caught up in the swanky attorney lifestyle, it's just fancy-looking slavery.
10. Start studying for the GMAT.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Let's All Just Relax

Last night, my mandatory legal education lecture was given by an attorney and a judge.

Ten minutes into the attorney's lecture, the judge fell asleep.

When one of the lecturers falls asleep, you know it's a good lecture. So I folded my arms and went to sleep as well.

The girl next to me wasn't talking to me anyway since she wore a bright red track suit and I told her she looked like the Kool Aid Man.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Timbs For My Hooligans In Brooklyn

Over the weekend, I came across a huge shoe sale. I placed a quick call to my mom to see what her size was. I ended up picking her up a new pair of Merrells.

She was thrilled.

Yesterday I got home from work, my pile of clean laundry was miraculously folded. And my white shower curtain was replaced with a brand new SpongeBob shower curtain!

I'm starting to think that women aren't too complicated.

Monday, September 26, 2005

Some Boys Romance, Some Boys Slow Dance

Yes, I'm wearing a pink shirt over my pink cast

I bought a Bundt™ pan over the weekend and made a carrot Bundt™ cake with vanilla icing.

While shopping for the Bundt™ pan, I realized that only the NordicWare Bundt™ pan had the word "Bundt" on it and it had a ™ next to it.

I had no idea that Bundt™ was a trademark. While making the cake, I speculated as to the strength of this trademark and whether NordicWare had licensed it at all. I wondered aloud whether any lawsuits had been filed over this mark.

I'm sure the Girl was fascinated.

When I realized how geeky I sounded, I took her to the zoo to make up for it.

Sunday, September 25, 2005

To All The Girls I've Loved Before

Special Message To Every Girl I've Ever Dated or Ever Will Date:

Yes, everything on earth is about me.

Everything.

Great, that should save us some time.

Saturday, September 24, 2005

Please Show The Same Love To My Friends, Dear Summer

The best thing about the fall is that my mom will stop saying "thongs."

I guess when my mom was a kid, they referred to the casual footwear colloquially known as "flip-flops" as "thongs."

Now my mom runs around the house in the summer asking me, "Have you seen my red thongs?"

And I cringe. Thank the good Lord it's Fall.

Friday, September 23, 2005

No, My First Name Ain't Baby

She likes fast food.
She spends her money wisely.
She doesn't wear a lot of makeup or jewelry.
She likes New Jersey diners.
She understands football and doesn't mind watching the Jets.
She carries cash.
She's very neat.
She drinks tea.
She doesn't need a man.
She's got more degrees than I.

I hereby offer my new girl into evidence as "The Girl." Objections?

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Got The Magic Stick, I'm The Love Doctor

In a meeting with a client yesterday, she described her medical invention as "gentle but thorough."

I said, "Hey, that's exactly what I wwant on my tombstone."

Dead silence.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Took A Test To Become An MC And Didn't Fail

New Jersey sucks.

I took the Jersey bar back in February. I passed. So I can practice law in New Jersey, right?

Wrong. New Jersey makes you take mandatory classes first. I have three-hour classes two nights a week for SIX weeks.

The classes suck, but they give you mandatory homework too. I spent five hours yesterday trying to figure out how to fill out forms asking for a divorce in New Jersey. I'm a fucking PATENT lawyer.

I've decided to recommend that my fictional client simply let her husband beat her because I can't figure out how to get her a divorce.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Things To Make You Smile, What Numbers To Dial

I'm going to program my mistress's number into my cell phone with the name "Wrong Number" so that if she calls when I'm out with my girlfriend, it will show up on my phone as "Wrong Number" and I can just tell my girlfriend it's a wrong number.

Monday, September 19, 2005

White Heat, White Light, White Trash

On Saturday, I made Rice Krispies treats, substituting Fruity Pebbles for the Rice Krispies. Not exactly Haute Cuisine.

Sunday I stepped it up a notch and made a double chocolate mousse cake to bring to my grandmother's house. Keep in mind that all of my kitchen tools are in storage, so I instead of a frosting knife I used a butter knife and instead of a pastry bag I used a plastic kitchen bag with a hole cut in the corner.

When I was cleaning up, my mom said, "Don't clean the springform pan, I want to pick at it while I'm watching TV tonight."

I said, "Mom, we're not that white trash."

She replied, "I am."

Sunday, September 18, 2005

Yes, It's The Original Human Beat Box

Chops doesn't blog over the summer because she works in a camp for handicapped kids. When she got back, she wrote me this e-mail to let me know she was blogging again:

"First I saw your pink cast and my opinion of you skyrocketed. Until I saw that now you're referring to yourself as Fresh. That evened things out."

Saturday, September 17, 2005

Holla We Want Prenups

Pink is a commenter here. He's also a great friend of mine from my biglaw days in the big city.

Pink has a smile and a charm that I have never seen rivaled. He's 46, he's got graying hair, he's 5'7", and I've seen him get more phone numbers than I could ever dream of. He gets a glimmer in his eye that just makes you want to hug him.

Pink flirts with every girl on earth: the overweight waitress, the 70-year-old receptionist, the newlywed associate. He was the best at it I've ever seen.

When I met him, he was living with his girlfriend and her four kids, but he only had one picture on his wall: his Acura NSX.

In the middle of a document review at the big firm, when everone was losing their minds and working until 2 am (including yours truly) he took a few days off to attend road racing school. And they didn't fire him because he's a good attorney.

I once saw Pink drift an unmodified '92 Toyota Paseo in a parking lot.

Pink was in a metal band in the 80's and proudly displays his CD on Amazon.com -- complete with picture of pink having foot-high hair.

I'm off to Strong Island to see my boy pink get married today. May God bless
him and his clan.

Friday, September 16, 2005

I Must Have Been Drinking 'Cause This Ain't Pot

I'm hiding a pot under my bed.

I burned the bottom of the pot by overcooking some rice last week. I should note that I was cooking dinner for my parents at the time.

I left the pot to soak for a day and asked my parents to leave it until I get to the store for some Brillo.

My mother said that she was simply going to throw out the pot.

My father said that he was going to put the wire brush attachment
on his drill in order to clean the pot.

So now I'm hiding the pot until I remember to buy some Brillo.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Swinging Swords Like Shinobi

I got carded to buy a machete yesterday in Wal-Mart.

I needed something to clear a portion of a trail behind my parents' house and their rusty sickle wasn't doing the job. When I asked my dad here I could buy a machete he said, "I bet Wal-Mart sells them."

He was right. It was $5.83. The guy carded me. Apparently, you need to be 18 to buy a machete.

Need something marginally useful but extremely deadly? Wal-Mart!

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Take A Ride With Me

This morning, 6 am:

Fresh: There better be a good reason why there is a car out front with an Eagles bumper sticker on it.

Younger Brother: Yeah, I joined a network of volunteers that is helping poor hurricane evacuees travel to homes of families across the country. I had to drive a mother and her three kids from Philly to New York last night but my car had a flat so I borrowed my boss's car.

Fresh: Ok, but get rid of that Eagles sticker.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Old School Like Hungry Hungry Hippo

For a third date, I took the new girl on a trip to the Camden Aquarium.

It was beautiful. They had hippos, sharks, sloths (?), and a spectacular collection of amazing exhibits.

I think the date was going pretty well until we went into the 3D theater and put our glasses on. When a lady came on screen to introduce the movie I shouted "TAKE IT OFF!"

Monday, September 12, 2005

Soon As He Buy That Wine I Just Creep Up From Behind

It's time for some relationship advice from Fresh:

The answer to:
"What do you usually look for in a woman?"

is NOT
"I like drunk chicks."

Saturday, September 10, 2005

It's Not Confidential, I've Got Potential

If you're on a first date and the girl asks about your hobbies,

and you say that you run an autobiographical web site in which you write about everything that happens to you,

and she doesn't ask for the name or address of the site,

even on the second date,

doesn't that seem strange to you?

Friday, September 09, 2005

I Never Sleep -- 'Cuz Sleep Is the Cousin of Death

The pink cast rocks Times Square

I went out drinking in the city last night with friends from my old job. I haven't seen most of them in almost a year.

One of them had bought a big house in Jersey. One moved in with her boyfriend of five months and was anticipating an imminent engagement. One just bought a motorcycle.

And I reflected on what has changed for me in the past year: I moved from the Upper West Side of Manhattan into my parents' basement, got a job in the suburbs, and lost my girl.

Then I realized: I'm a fucking genius.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

How You Suffered For Your Sanity

I took the BBQ chicken girl out for a second date. I took her to the Museum of Modern Art.

I told her that the museum owns some famous works, such as Dali's "Persistence of Memory," Picasso's "Les Demoiselle d'Avignon," and Warhol's Campbell's Soup Cans.

When she came to van Gogh's "Starry Night" she said, "Wow, Starry Night!" She paused. "Is this the original?"

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Cheaper Than A Hot Dog With No Mus-tid

When I got back in the house from grilling up some burgers and hot dogs last night, I was informed that we were out of ketchup.

I offered to run to the grocery store.

But my dad said that wouldn't be necessary: we had some ketchup packets in the fridge that they had saved from a fast food excursion, possibly months or years ago.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Because The Devil's Tryin' To Break Me Down

Yesterday my cousin J3 had a family BBQ. It was a good time. My cousin's son chased me with a box cutter and my brother's girlfriend punched me in the cast.

When it was time for coffee my cousin's wife, a unabashed atheist who hasn't even been baptized, gave me an "I [heart] Jesus" mug. I asked why she had them.

"These mugs were 99 cents in the dollar store, so I bought a bunch of them for when I have company."

Monday, September 05, 2005

I've Been Drinking Bourbon Whiskey, Scotch, and Gin

My Italian grandmother makes pasta every Sunday at noon for the entire family. My parents, uncles, aunts, and cousins all go every week.

Every year on your birthday, you bring your own cake and everybody sings.

This rule is not to be taken lightly.

Two years ago, my cousin showed up on his birthday with no cake. My grandmother kicked him out.

He came back 20 minutes later with a cake that said "Bite Me." My grandmother was pleased and we all sang.

Yesterday -- his birthday -- he stumbled in still drunk from celebrating the night before with a cake that said, "I'm drunk, so what."

Happy birthday Scottie. We love you.

Sunday, September 04, 2005

And We Walk Around The Metal Detectors

Last night as I walked though security at the U.S. Open, I peeked into the "confiscated items" bin just out of curiosity.

The bin was empty but for two small bottles of Pellegrino.

Saturday, September 03, 2005

She's Got The Grown Up Blues

My cousin, 29, has an extensive wardrobe. I was over his house yesterday and he expressed excitement at receiving a coupon for a jeans sale at American Eagle Outfitters.

I advised him that he is too old to be shopping there.

"You're not 16 any more," I said.

"Yeah, but the girls who work there are."

Friday, September 02, 2005

They Say I'm Ugly But It Just Don't Phase Me

I walked in to my friend's office at work yesterday and she casually mentioned that her female friend is not interested in me.

I found that unusual, since I have never met her female friend and have never expressed any interest in her.

It turns out that my friend took it upon herself to send one of my race pictures to her friend to see if she was interested -- without my request or consent. When I asked exactly what her friend said, she forwarded me this e-mail from her friend:

hm, i just don't feel any sort of attraction to that guy. just not my type at all. i like "bigger" more manly looking guys, you know? he just looks like a big dork. i'm sorry. :( i'm sure he's a wonderful person. luckily, he lives in NY, so it's a moot point. ;)

So not only am I a dork, but now I need new friends.

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Give Me Sight Beyond Sight

When I went in to get the cast, I envisioned Lion-O's Claw Shield or Hellboy's Right Arm.

I walked out with a bright pink cast.

Why did I request bright pink?

It's a sociology experiment: I love to get reactions out of people.
It's sure to provide good blog stories.
It's a conversation piece: a cast evokes the question "what happened?" while a pink cast evokes the question "what is wrong with you?"
I like pink. It reminds me of bubble gum and, ah, other pink stuff.

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