* abandoned *

Pushing 30.
Dating.
Running.
Practicing law.
Saving for culinary school.

E-mail Me

BHouseWife
Brian
CW
estella
G. Flasher
Kelly
MamaQ
prarie b.
Sarah B.
Scooterdeb
Styro
THB
TKU
Will

Gawker
Frank Bruni

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Listen, Dana Dane, I Think I Have The Cure

When I went to the doctor last week, they told me my broken wrist was too swollen for a cast. They made me a splint, wrapped it up, and told me to come back in a week.

Yesterday, I had a 3 o'clock appointment to get a cast.

Partner: Can we talk about this in the afternoon?
Fresh: I can't, I have a 3 o'clock doctor's appointment to get a cast
put on my wrist.
Partner: Well how long do you think that's going to take?

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

At Least Don't Get The Grease On Your Pantyhose

I went out on another first date last night. A friend set us up.

We spoke on the phone a few days ago and she mentioned that she really liked BBQ. I excitedly planned a date at Pearson's in Manhattan, one of the few trendy BBQ places neither one of us had tried.

She ordered the chicken.

Can you call yourself a fan of BBQ if you don't get pork or brisket?

Monday, August 29, 2005

Hurry Hurry, Step Right Up And Keep Following The Leader

I ran the Manhattan Half-Marathon yesterday (13.1 miles). Yes, I ran it with a broken wrist.

I did ok. I ran around eight and a half minute pace.

The race was 2 laps around Central Park. After the first lap, at about the 6.5 mile mark, the leader of the race lapped me. That means he was over six miles ahead of me.

As he passed, we all cheered him on. Then, as soon as he was out of sight and the runners got quiet again, a spectator clapping on the side of the road said, "Good job, good job. You're right behind the leader."

Saturday, August 27, 2005

Come Give Me A Hug If You Into Getting Rubbed

If you see me in the bar tonight, keep to my left.

With my broken wrist, I still haven't been able to get much deodorant under my right arm.

Friday, August 26, 2005

Sippin On Gin & Juice

Why do I love my daddy so much?

Last night, in the pizzeria:

Dad: I'll have a Bud.
Waitress: Do you want a glass with that or just the bottle?
Dad: Could you bring it to me in a paper bag with a straw?

Happy birthday big man.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Just Set It And Forget It

If you have an x-ray clearly showing two breaks in my wrist, I don't understand why we still have to play the "does this hurt here" game.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

I Pound Footprints In Solid Rock

Yesterday morning, I tripped and fell in the woods during my morning run. I landed squarely on my left wrist. I got up, dusted off, and finished my run.

When I got home, I realized that I had sprained it pretty badly. So I set up the tripod, took a picture, and went to work.

After four hours of throbbing pain, I decided it was time to get some x-rays.

While sitting in the waiting room at the doctor's office, all I kept thinking was, "This sucks, my billable hours for this month are going to be really low."

As it turns out, I fractured my wrist. And I went to work.

I think I need a career change.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

For The Ride, Honey Buckle Up

Last week my parents rented a beach house and my entire family spent a few days together. Everyone took a turn cooking.

I baked a blueberry buckle on the first night.

For my dinner, I made my now-famous orange ginger chicken. The sauce has a combination of cayenne pepper, fresh-squeezed orange juice, and fresh-grated ginger that is just amazing.

The next night, my younger brother made two different kinds of tuna steaks: some with fresh salsa verde and others with fresh charmoula. He also made his own mustard vinagrette salad dressing, pommes anna, and grilled peppers.

My older brother made a big Irish breakfast complete with bangers, white pudding, Irish bacon, grilled tomatoes, and scrambled eggs.

The next day he made pancakes.

I wish I knew how my parents raised three men who cook. It was probably that one night a week when they didn't cook anything and you had to cook if you wanted to eat.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Slow Down There, Lefty

I was waiting on line at the mini golf course yesterday when the attendant asked the family in front of us what color balls they would like.

The kids picked red and blue. The mother chose yellow. The father asked for white.

White? At a mini golf course?

He's probably an animal in bed.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Who Got The Final Death Blow?

The guy on line in front of me at Best Buy was purchasing "The Notebook" on DVD.

He asked the clerk if he could still return it if he didn't unwrap it. The clerk nodded without making eye contact.

"Just put it back now and save yourself the trouble" I said.

He looked at me sheepishly -- almost apologetically. "It's a gift."

"Sure it is."

* * *
I'm going "down the shore" for a long weekend, I'll be back Monday. Keep an eye on the Internet for me.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

That's How I Stay Filthy Richer Than Richie

As most of you know, I live with my parents. It started out as a temporary measure until I could save enough for a down payment for a house. But recently it has turned into a crusade against my student loans.

Last night the parents left town for a vacation. I had the house to myself.

Did I throw a wild party?

No, turned on the rap radio station in the living room, broke out my KitchenAid mixer, and used ALL of the counter space to make cookies.

And it was glorious.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Enough About That, Let's Get On To Something Better

Talking to a girl in a bar last night:

Girl: I make the best penne alla vodka ever.
Fresh: Really? Mine is too watery. How do you make it?
Girl: I dice a few shallots and some garlic and throw it in a pan with some oil.
Fresh: Ok.
Girl: Then I add a jar of Classico sauce- I think it's the roasted pepper one.

*Fresh walks away*

Monday, August 15, 2005

I Am Known To Be A Real Nasty Man

I think if you're:

at the beach,
in your Jeep,
with the top down,
and the doors off,
blasting the Ying Yang Twins,

the fact that your mom is riding shotgun only makes you cooler.

Saturday, August 13, 2005

My Neck, My Wrist, My Ears Is Froze

Out with my female friend last night:

Fresh: What do you think when you hear I live with my parents?
Friend: I think you're a loser.
Fresh: Ok.
Friend: Then I think you must have a lot of money because you're a lawyer and you pay no rent.
Fresh: Ok.
Friend: Then I think if you like me I'll get a huge ring!
Fresh: Oh.

Friday, August 12, 2005

What's Your Man Got To Do With Me?

Things I found out about Joe, the ex of my first date last night:

Joe grew up in Pittsburg but now lives in Virginia.
Joe and my date met at a New Year's Eve party.
Joe went to Penn State.
Joe is 5'11".
Joe has a fear of commitment.
Joe had issues with my date's past which means he's a little insecure.
Joe loves the Dave Matthews Band.

About halfway through the date, I realized that my date may not be over Joe.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Hey, How You Doin Little Mama Let Me Whisper In Ya Ear

A buddy at work said, "My sister-in-law works with someone your age who just became single. Send her an e-mail."

So what do you write to someone you don't know and have no mutual friends with?

* * *
From: FreshPepper@gmail.com
Date: Aug 10, 2005 10:41 AM
Subject: Federal Circuit Jurisdiction
To: ______

Good morning. I got your name from [ ] at your firm who gave it to [ ] at my firm.

So allow me to present five reasons you should have dinner with me this week:

1. I'm in decent shape.
I ran the Marathon in '04 and plan on running it much faster in '05. This means I can walk up an entire flight of stairs carrying up to four cans of Beefaroni and hardly get winded.

2. I have a decent job.
I have been at this firm for seven months and they have yet to discover how incompetent I am. They also have yet to discover the family of naked mole rats I have living in my filing cabinet. But I get paid well.

3. I'm not gay.
Even though my French ramekins, Silpat sheets, All-Clad cookwear, and extensive collection of hair and skin care products may hint otherwise, I am completely straight.

4. You'll have good stories to tell your friends.
"Then he started talking about A Tribe Called Quest and how they used a different rhyme scheme than any other rap group and I just tuned out."

5. And most importantly, I'll pay for dinner.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Pimpin All Over The World

Yesterday I sent to lovely Conshohocken, Pennsylvania for a document review.

At noon I went searching for some local cuisine. I came across Lenny's Italian Deli. It had the proper coloring, it had the neon signs, and it had the long line of locals.

When I got to the front, I asked the 60-year-old sandwich lady what all the shouting was about.

"He says he just got a dog and the mother is a yellow lab and the father is a Chihuahua. I said he's full of it."

I suggested that perhaps there was a canine Kama Sutra that we were not aware of.

I asked for the house specialty and she made me a spicy roast pork sandwich with hot peppers and sharp provolone.

It was the best sandwich I've ever had in my life. It was absolutely divine.

That place made my day. Little places like Lenny's make it tolerable to be sent to strange locales for horrible projects.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

I Thought I Told You That We Won't Stop

I ran into an old law school classmate last night.

Classmate: Putting in a lot of hours? Making that push for partner?
Fresh: Actually, yesterday I added up all of my student loans to see how much I still owe. Then I started looking into nursing schools.

Monday, August 08, 2005

Don't You Forget About Me

I heard through the grapevine that The Girl (hereinafter "the Ex") was set up on a date.

That's cool.

But the date was with a 40-year-old widower.

I understand that the Ex is no longer any of my business. But she was hot. She had an ass that would makes Keyra's look like Oprah's.

She CAN and MUST do better than me. I want the best for her. I want someone to treat her like she deserves to be treated -- a task at which I spectacularly failed.

And if I hear anything different, I'm going to track down that old man give him serious noogies.

Sunday, August 07, 2005

I Wanna Get With You - Only You - And Your Sister

My buddies and I were talking about seeing the Dukes of Hazzard movie. We agreed that Jessica Simpson would be the only reason to waste the money.

My buddy Gargoyle summed it up best:

"She's so hot I'd fuck her sister."

Saturday, August 06, 2005

This Little Piggy

Last night around 1 am I purposely ran a red light. There was only one other car on the road and I had a few beers in me.

I was halfway through the intersection when I realized that the car on the other side of the intersection was a cop car.

He did nothing.

When I drove away I thought, "Wow, that was lucky." But half of me thought, "How fucking lazy are you? Do your fucking job."

Friday, August 05, 2005

You Spin Me Right Round Baby

At a party last weekend, a few women were discussing whether a curved penis is better for G spot stimulation.

I vociferously defended the straight penis.

That is, until one of them informed me that my penis is, in fact, curved.

I did what any man would do: I went home and took a sideways picture of my penis. And guess what -- it IS very slightly curved.

I was stunned. But think about it -- when have you seen pictures of your genitals?

Thursday, August 04, 2005

I Got The Skills, Come Get Your Fill
oh, what these skates have seen

A buddy at work mentioned that he just joined a roller hockey team. I jokingly said that if they needed a defenseman to let me know.

Yesterday, a week later, he let me know.

So last night I dug out my Rollerblades to see if I can still skate.

Now these aren't your modern, fancy, super-breaking Rollerblades. I bought this pair at 15 years old with my paper route money. And since they didn't sell skates without brakes back then, I cut the brakes off them with my dad's Sawzall.

How did I do in the street last night? Well, let's just say that the neighbors must have had a good laugh at my apparent midlife crisis.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

You Suckers Taking Notes, Did You Get That?

Note to people who stop talking during meetings when they see me writing:
I'm only pretending to take notes so I don't have to look at you.

Keep talking.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Maybe Get A Blister On Your Little Finger

I did some yard work over the weekend and consequently got a bunch of blisters on my hands. I keep forgetting that I no longer have a real job and now I have sissy attorney hands.

The blisters on my hands have put a serious dent in my sex life.

Of course, by "put a serious dent" I mean "completely eliminated."

And by "sex life" I mean "masturbation life."

Monday, August 01, 2005

Funky Fresh, Dressed to Impress, Ready to Party

Yesterday I was designing the stunning graphics for this page when my younger brother came in.

"Fresh Pepper? I don't get it. It's not clever and it's not a pun. It's got nothing to do with writing. And don't they ask if you want 'fresh ground pepper?' Fresh pepper would be right off the plant, right? And what's with the ketchup bottle? Restaurants that have fresh ground pepper don't have ketchup on the table."

I probably should have talked to him before I bought freshpepper.net.

*** abandoned ***

archives